It's the Least I Could Do

Chapter 1: He Deserved to Burn

Note: this fic takes place directly after Halloween/part 3.5. The field trip does not exist, because I can't accurately guess how that arc will end, and however it does end I'm sure will affect the story greatly. So think of it as an AU that diverges from the comic there. Although a few parts that are necessary to the story will be in this fic, just not on the exact day they happened in the comic (mostly just Rudy and Tobias's friend breakup thingy.)
Also, I'll put trigger warnings for each chapter in the beginning notes here!

TW: mentions of past bullying, mentions of self-harm, mentions of suicidal ideation, internalized homophobia, homophobia (from Carmelo's father)

October 31-Carmelo's POV

Carmelo walked down the street, the sky pitch black, with only a few small pinpoints of light. The only stars that could shine past the light pollution.
He tried not to think about Rudy, but it was hard not to while carrying him on his back. It was embarrassing, carrying him like this. What if someone saw them and got the wrong idea? But after everything Rudy had gone through tonight, after everything Carmelo had put him through since he moved here, he didn't have the heart to wake him up. He owed it to him to at very least get him home safe. It was the least he could do.
Thankfully, Rudy's house wasn't too far from his, and they arrived soon enough. "Thank god..." he muttered under his breath.
As his hands were occupied, Carmelo opted for kicking the door instead of knocking. After a moment, the door opened, and there stood a short red-haired woman and a taller bearded man. They must be Rudy's parents.
"Hello?" said the woman. She looked confused, but not unkind. Although the silent man behind her was intimidating. Carmelo avoided his striking gaze.
"Uh... hi," Carmelo said awkwardly. This was a mistake. How was he supposed to face Rudy's parents, knowing what he'd done to him? But he pushed down those thoughts. He had to do this. It was the least he could do. And he was already here anyway. "I'm Carmelo DeMonte. Do you have a minute..?"
"Of course," said Rudy's mother. "Come in, please, you'll catch a cold out there in this temperature."
"Um, yeah, right. Thank you, ma'am," Carmelo responded, walking through the doorway as she moved out of the way to let him in. "So, basically, I'm one of Rudy's classmates and he fell asleep on my couch so, like, I thought I'd bring him home," he explained. He thought it'd be best to leave out the details. He didn't have the right to tell Rudy's parents anything. It was his choice how much he wanted to tell them. And, Carmelo didn't think he could handle telling them how much he'd hurt him, anyway.
"Oh, that's so nice of you, dear!" Rudy's mom exclaimed. "I didn't know my son was friends with such a nice young man."
But we're not friends, Carmelo thought. And I'm probably about the furthest thing from a 'nice young man.' But he didn't say that. He wasn't going to make this more complicated and awkward than it already was. "Yeah, I guess so," he said instead. "So, um, where should I, like, put him?"
"Oh, just put him on the couch for now. I'll get him to bed later."
Carmelo did as she said, carefully lowering Rudy onto the couch.
"Okay, so, I should probably get going now. Don't want my parents wondering where I am this late, y'know?" He said, already starting to move toward the door. He didn't want to be here any longer than he had to.
"Yes, of course. Thank you for bringing Rudy home. And stay safe out there, it's dangerous being out so late on your own!" Rudy's mom called after him.
"Yeah, I will. Thanks. Uh, bye." With that, Carmelo stepped outside, glancing back to see Rudy's mother and father only for a moment before heading out into the night once again.
As Carmelo walked, his mind was filled with spiraling thoughts. Most of them centered around Rudy. How could I be so stupid? he thought. So selfish, to think that I could just treat him like that without it affecting him at all. But it did affect him, of course it did. He hurts himself because of me. He wants to die because of me. I made someone want to die. I made Rudy want to die.
With every thought, he hated himself a little more. With every step, he felt more and more like he was burning. But that was okay, he deserved to burn. The cat scratches on his wrist were stinging. But he deserved that, too. Rudy had to endure that pain regularly, willingly, even. Because it made it easier for him to endure the pain Carmelo put him through. So really, Carmelo's wrist should have to sting like this all the time. It was only fair.
He wanted to cry, but he didn't let himself. He couldn't. He had no right to feel bad for himself. It was surely nothing compared to what Rudy must feel. And he was a man, he wasn't weak enough to cry about something like this. He was almost home anyway. He couldn't let his dad see him crying.
When he turned the corner to his street, he sighed with relief. Almost home. As selfish as it was, he really wanted to sleep, just so that he could stop thinking for a while. Soon enough, he got to his house and went inside. He had planned to go straight to bed but instead found his parents sitting at the dinner table.
His mother, Valentina DeMonte, called to him from the dining room. "Carmelo, is that you? Come here, baby, we're having dinner."
Carmelo sighed, longing for his bed, but he knew he couldn't ignore his mother so he went at sat down at the table. "Why dinner? It's like midnight," he pointed out.
"Yes, well, your father and I just got home and we're hungry," Valentina explained.
Carmelo's father, Lauro, looked up from his food and asked, "where were you? We thought you were in bed. Your mother told me you said you were home."
"Oh, yeah, um." Quick, think of a lie. Can't let him know where you were. "I was... on a walk?"
"On a walk," Lauro repeated. "In the middle of the night?"
"Uhhh, yeah! Gotta get my steps in, you know how it is." Carmelo said, trying to keep the fear out of his voice. He avoided looking his dad in the eyes, afraid that the second he did he'd know exactly what he was thinking.
"Weren't you out all night though?" Lauro questioned.
Before Carmelo could think of another ridiculous excuse, Valentina broke in with, "well, I think it's great that you're taking exercise so seriously! In fact, we should all be going on walks whenever we can."
"Yeah, exactly!" Carmelo agreed, relieved that she believed him. "You know me, big fan of exercise. Gotta stay fit, y'know." He ended his statement with a nervous laugh that he hated himself for. He just hoped it sounded more like an exercise enthusiast laugh. If that was even a thing.
"In addition to exercise, you have to make sure you get enough healthy food to eat," she advised. "Speaking of food, let me get you some dinner. I put the leftovers in the fridge, but I can reheat them for you."
"Sure, thank you," he said. As Valentina went into the kitchen to prepare his dinner, he was left at the table with his dad. Normally, that would be fine. But after today, all he could think about was Rudy, and by extension, the way he knew he couldn't feel about him. His father had made it clear that this was wrong last time. He didn't want a repeat of last time.
After a few moments of awkward silence, Lauro glanced up at him. Carmelo looked away anxiously, worried that he had somehow read his mind. Lauro looked like he was about to say something, but before he could Valentina returned with Carmelo's dinner.
"Here you go, my baby," she said as she set the food in front of him.
"Thanks, mom," he muttered. He started eating, trying to finish his food quickly so that he could go to bed.
"How was your Halloween? Did you have fun with your friends?" Valentina asked as she sat down.
"Yeah, lots of fun," he answered bluntly. Truthfully he didn't. Two out of three of his friends weren't even there. He just fought Rudy's brother, got scolded by Dino for trying to fight that girl kid (even though she attacked him first, it was really only self-defense), then helped Rudy after he got attacked in the woods. He didn't get to do any of the things he wanted to do. He had hoped Halloween could be a distraction from everything, but it turned out to be the opposite.
Valentina seemed to take notice of his tone. "Are you okay, sweetie? You've been pretty quiet since you got home."
"I'm fine," Carmelo assured. "Just... tired." It wasn't fully a lie. He was tired.
She nodded. "That makes sense, it is late. Well, after you eat make sure to get a good night's rest, you'll need it for school tomorrow."
Ugh, school tomorrow. Why can't I just sleep forever? he internally complained. But he just said, "I know."
Carmelo turned his focus back to his food, disinterested in this conversation. As he ate, he was aware of his mother's concerned gaze on him, clearly not fully believing he was just tired, but he ignored it. It's not like he could actually tell her what was wrong anyway.
Eventually, she turned her attention to Lauro. "How was your day, dear?" she asked.
"You know how Halloween is, bunch of annoying kids making trouble for me all day," he grumbled. "Had to chase away these two kids who thought they could just make out on private property. Worse, they were both guys. Ugh, kids these days. Think they can just go against the natural way of things. It's disgusting."
Carmelo almost choked on his food at that. He knew his dad felt that way, but he hadn't expected him to be so blunt about it, especially today of all days. A part of him agreed, it was unnatural, it was gross. But another part felt the sting, as if it was him who his dad had called disgusting. He tried to repress the feeling, it wasn't him, he wasn't like them. He couldn't be like them.
"Now, now, honey," Valentina chided. "Times are changing. I know you don't understand these things, but as long as it isn't hurting anyone I don't see the problem."
"The problem is it's not right. It's supposed to be a man and a woman together, that's how it's always been. These young people are just deluding themselves, soon enough they'll wake up and they'll regret not settling down with a nice girl before it's too late," Lauro argued.
Every word from his mouth felt like fire, burning Carmelo from the inside out. It doesn't hurt, why would it hurt? I'm not like them, he told himself. I'm not, I'm not. So it doesn't hurt, so I'm fine. He's right, I'll wake up soon, I'll find a nice girl and I'll be fine. I'll be normal. I'm just deluding myself, I'm not like them. I'm not.
He was vaguely aware of his parents arguing, but he tried his best to tune it out. He couldn't focus on that right now. Just one more bite, then another and another. Just keep eating and then you can go to bed and you can stop hearing what Dad's saying. Not that you care what he's saying, it's not like you're like them.
At some point, he couldn't handle it anymore. He'd eaten most of his food, he'd be fine if he didn't eat the rest. He just needed to get out of there. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He stood up, putting his plate in the kitchen. He barely registered a 'goodnight' from his mom as he sprinted upstairs, but was able to mutter a quick 'night' in return before he was out of earshot.
As soon as he got to his room, he collapsed into bed with a big sigh. He was so, so very tired. His mind was filled with about fifty million different distressing thoughts, but he was far too exhausted to focus on any of them. He remembered that he was supposed to change out of his day clothes but only had enough energy to kick off his shoes.
As he cuddled into his warm blankets, he let all of the day's worries fade away with his consciousness. The last thing he saw was the cat scratches on his wrist. But they don't hurt anymore. They should still hurt, it's only fair, his mind told him, his final thought before he fell into a dreamless sleep.

A/N: And that's the first chapter! I've been working on this for like a week now, plotting out all the chapters and stuff. But it's exciting to be working on project like this, since I usually only do oneshots. I hope that you like it!
Btw I'm gonna be posting this on Ao3 too, in case you wanna read it there instead. Also if you want to see the full version of the cover (since I had to make it smaller to fit) I'm gonna post it on the Ghost Eyes amino! I'll put a link to the post in the A/N for the next chapter