Death,Introverts,and Life

A Downward Spiral

Eventually this depression made me bitter and I often took it out on my family. Which ruined relationships I would have to repair later. Then my dad lost his high salary job and we had to move. I was excited to leave but sad afterwards. As soon as life started back up at our new rent house I figured out that we didn't have as much money as we used to and things started changing.

After a year or so we moved again this time a bigger house and a lot more land. My dad has always wanted a farm so one day he bought some goats and a donkey and built a pen. I was excited and shocked that he had bought the animals. Then one day after school I got off the bus and started to walk up our dusty driveway when I heard my dad's voice. He was talking to someone. I heard it coming from the old barn that sat in our front yard. I whirled my head around and saw two puppies. Great Pyreness puppies. I was in awe. I raced over to my dad and said, " What are these puppies doing here?" He said that they were ours and he had just bought them that afternoon. I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't.

We found out they were brother and sister. We named the girl and the boy. Then the next few months were great. I still remember how relaxed and joyful I felt and for a rare and small time in my life that pain and sorrow that was inside of me had gone away. Until one fateful day.

We had given both puppies a bath in the creek and I went inside to play with some toys in the playroom. I heard a loud bump and a few yells and screams. I went downstairs wondering what in the world had just happened. I started out the door and I saw my brother. He was crying hysterically. He looked at me and said, " He's gone." I said, " Who? Who?" He replied, " Snowman." Now there's no way you could know who that is but don't fret, I will tell you.

It was one of the puppies my dad bought. The brother... I ran down the hill as fast as I could and what I saw. It was terrible. A man in a red truck had hit my dog. It was sitting in the road and there my dog lay. His neck broken and blood everywhere. When I got to him he was still warm. I hugged and kissed him praying maybe this was a dream.Maybe he was fine. Maybe he would live. But he didn't.

He died instantly and the man in the truck just backed up and left. My parents told the cops and an officer came to our house. After looking over our land he said we should've had him on a leash but the road the man was traveling on went through our property. I was infuriated. But what am I supposed to do? I was just a kid. I can still remember that agonizing feeling watching my dog be buried. I felt like I had lost a part of me and that wasn't the first time I'd felt that way.

Our whole family had taken a blow right to the face and we all felt terrible for days. A few months later we moved again and it was at this house that found out my grandmother had dementia. For those of you who don't know what that is its when you forget everything. It's not like you wake up one morning and you forget what your name is. It happens slowly which makes it even more painful for the close relatives and friends because you have to watch your loved one slowly lose their memories and start to struggle with simple everyday tasks. So I was upset about it and even more upset when I found out there was no cure.

They say the meaning of life is to "acquire knowledge" but I don't agree with that. In my option life is a period of time every human being goes through to evolve into the person they are at the end of their life. The experiences you have make you the person you are. If my theory is correct then I believe I won't be the best person at the end of my life.

It's not that don't want to be a good person. I just think the many awful things that have happened to me, I have some how magnified the pain and distress I felt without meaning to. Do you ever feel like that?