TW (suicidal thoughts, self harm, depression, and cuss words)
I'm pretty lazy. I don't do much other than read and watch TV. I don't have the energy to do much else. It's kinda sad.
My parents hate it. About a week ago, my dad got really upset at me and my sibling because we were awake for about three hours, and didn't wake him up to do anything. He yelled at us for a good half hour, something he hadn't done in months. Afterwards, I realized the reason I don't ever do anything is because I don't actually like to do anything. I don't like going on vacation. I don't like to go shopping. I don't like to go up into the woods. I don't like being around people for very long. The things I do "like" doing, I realized, were more of an escape, so that I didn't have to be wherever I was for just a little while. So that I could forget I exist.
After my dad finished, he left so that me and my sibling could talk about what he had just said. While my sibling cried, I was able to get my pocketknife off my headboard. I told them I had to poop, and went into the bathroom, intent on killing myself. I started to drag the knife along my thigh, but couldn't bring myself to actually puncture my skin. The same three words repeated in my head. "Do it pussy." But I couldn't. I eventually closed the pocketknife and hid it, in case I ever could work up the courage, then left the bathroom.
Today, my other dad complained that I have no drive. To be honest, I haven't had any drive for years. I see nothing worth driving for. When I was younger, I used to put everything I had into everything I did. It got me nowhere, and ended with me just being really stressed. So I have just given up. I don't really have any goals in my life. The world fucking sucks. I honestly think that the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because it would make other people sad, not actually because I want to live. My dad is worried that because I have no drive, I'll grow up, be my lazy self and not give a shit about anything, and be poor or something. What really bugs me is that I don't see me living long enough to be on my own. I highly doubt I'll graduate high school. So why put in the effort?
Life has left me jaded, and I don't care. With school starting, I'm trying to decide whether to coast again, or put in effort to make my parents happy. I'm leaning towards the first one. But I won't tell my parents that.
I needed to get this of my chest and I don't see my therapist for another two weeks so he we are. Thank you if you actually read it.
