Ramble ramble ramble

Ramblings of a coked out insane woman

Sometimes I can't tell if my crazy is overcoming my rationality or he is actually fucking with me. Calling it out does nothing to answer the question. He will obviously always claim innocence. I can never believe him. Also the only outside perspective comes from a biased party who will almost always be on his opposition. There's little nods here and there he gives to suggest he is malignant in his actions. He constantly tests my boundaries of patience and practically begs for my violent nature. Where is the ethical line that shifts the blame from me to him. At what point is it acceptable that I snap and show him the true nature of my being that he constantly discredits. I only have the rule of "what you put into the universe comes back to you times three" hindering me from letting my true self handle it. At a certain point, though, I feel you have to take ratification into your own hands. The day I can no longer overpower my instincts of violence it couldn't be me who is at fault because that would be the universe paying him back threefold. So maybe I'm able to fight the urges thus far due to either he isn't purposely doing it or he hasn't built up the debt with the universe yet to deserve what I am capable of. In my opinion I'm leaning more towards the latter. I know that I have progressed very far in my self control. Due to the fact when he makes a snide or sarcastic comment about me not being a absolute demon of a being. Normally I would show a person on the spot that they are wrong. With him I am able to calm myself down and think before I act. Unfortunately he sees that as proof he's right. It hurts my pride and hurts my feelings he continues to push this boundary knowing it's hurtful to me. Plus he has the audacity to ask favors of me or expect me to treat him with love and adoration. Like I said before I don't know if this is my brain tricking me or this is his true behavior. So for self preservation and protection I will assume he is acting negative towards me and a snake in the grass. If I am wrong I have reasonable examples that lead me to those feelings, apologize and be done. If I am right I will have protected myself and not look completely dumb when it all comes to light because I had suspicions all along but no substantial evidence to blatantly call it. I don't want to be right. I don't want him to be the person I suspect him to be. I want to be wrong and him to be the only person on this earth who cares about me and for me. There's just too much coincidence leading my thoughts to believing he is a piece of shit manipulating narcissist who will use me till he finds another victim. I wish I had a non biased party to speak with who could help me decide on a healthy and rational course of action. Also guidance is needed in disconnecting the tie between my emotions and actions. I want to stop my pride from clouding my rational thought. I want to be able to approach personal situations as if I am a non biased party. Pride and anger are really the only emotions I have. Pride comes out in a over dramatic self preservation response. And anger comes out in a fight or flight response. I feel sadness but not like how it's described; it's more angry that I'm not ok or satisfied, than sad like crying and mopey. Mostly I feel numb because I block out the angry and I don't have the confidence to feel pride a lot of the time. It's a forced numb in a way but only because it's the lesser of evils.  Almost like I give up. I stop trying to control or fight the inevitable I just zone out on autopilot and hope for the best. Back to the subject of Dan... I think three more undeniable stabs at my power, pride, intellect, and/or character and I am going to be forced to help him find out what happens when you fuck around.