hope

hope - oneshot

this is just one huge vent which i also posted on ao3 but it got no attention and i'm a person who wants to die if they don't get attention or validation lol.

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"I hate her! She is a waste of space who is incapable of even giving crap." The words shattered her insides, yet there was no one to help her, no one to grasp her helpless hand as she laid lifeless on the ground, a puddle of blood surrounding her. It felt as if her mother's words were forcing her into a gaping hole, drowning her in despair, making her scream and cry until she was completely lost. Leila wanted nothing more than to die; but death would not come. Instead, time continued relentlessly marching forward like an unstoppable force, carrying everything away from her.

Her mother could have loved her if she had simply vanished
The thought made Leila feel slightly better -- at least it wasn't all just bad luck after all... But still, why did this happen? Why couldn't things be different? What happened that caused such horrible fate for everyone around her? And what about herself? How much longer will I continue living in pain? Will my life end before me too? These questions plagued her mind every day, driving her insane with sadness and self-pity.

"I should just sell her and leave her behind. That jerk deserves it" She uttered those remarks as though she were addressing a stranger. Unworthy of any affection, a victim of the entire world, and a waste of space. She was left to rot and forced to witness happy families, which for her represented a far-off fantasy buried deep inside her heart.
She perfected herself, smiled when people wanted her to smile and talked to strangers when others avoided them. She tried to fit in everywhere, never revealing how empty and meaningless these interactions truly are, always hiding the truth under a mask of fake cheerfulness. If she wasn't perfected, an overachiever, then she was nothing but worthless garbage unworthy of being touched by anyone else. She just wanted to be seen, validated, loved. But her mom kept cutting her up with her words: "a waste of space".

Why did she have to grow up so quickly? Where did her life go wrong? Did something terrible happen? Is someone angry with me? Was I born without a purpose? Am I cursed or defective? All these thoughts crossed her mind endlessly, keeping her awake most nights, preventing her from falling asleep. Even during sleep she could hear her mother's voice saying harsh insults, repeating them again and again, tormenting her. Eventually she stopped caring, burying herself deeper within the darkness of madness, refusing to let anything touch her anymore. Her body became numb and unresponsive, her soul crushed beyond repair.

"I'm sorry, please forgive me" it was never enough, nothing was ever enough. Everything was just useless, meaningless noise, unable to bring her happiness. No matter how hard she worked, how many times tried - nothing brought relief to her tortured soul. Everyone shunned her, leaving her alone to face the emptiness of existence with only loneliness to comfort her broken spirit. In spite of all this suffering, she somehow managed to hold onto hope – maybe there was some meaning to life somewhere out there, waiting patiently for her. A ray of light shining down upon her through sheer blind luck.

She wanted to believe, to wish that her sad days would be over, but everything stayed the same. Nothing changed, except perhaps her mood swings. Sometimes it seemed as though her life would get better, other times as though things would turn dark and hopeless. Then, once again, another bright ray of hope would appear in front of her eyes, pushing back against all the misery engulfing her. Always, however, it would fade into thin air. There were moments where she could barely remember why she was alive. Moments where she felt suffocated by overwhelming despair, longing to give up and simply end it all.

She truly just wanted to disappear. To become nothing, forgotten by the rest of the world, leaving behind no trace. Death held great appeal, offering a reprieve from constant torture. One moment she wished desperately to die, the next she hated it intensely because death meant that her problems would vanish forever, leaving her alone. She knew very well that she wouldn't find any solace in death; in fact, it might make things worse since she'd cease to exist altogether. So she clung tightly to life, trying to ignore its inevitable cruelty.
She merely existed. She had no inner goals, aspirations, or ambitions. She'd lost sight of why she worked or lived. Everything eventually just just boring and monotonous. She stopped anticipating anything. She was a waste of space and her existence was meaningless. She only wanted to disappear and die. Nothing was any longer enjoyable. She was at a loss for delightful, pleasant, or exciting things to anticipate. Simply put, life had become miserable and dull. She didn't know what to do anymore; everything she had ever loved had vanished into the deep abyss of misery known as her heart.

"Feel" was a word she was unfamiliar with. She might have stopped feeling after all. Nothing, nothing, nothing. She was unable to identify anything to look forward to, and she would most likely never do so in this lifetime.

"More" a foolish word. The phrase she used to plead. She pleaded for one more day so that she could try to find something, break free from the bonds that bound her, and climb out of the pit of misery into which she was sinking. She might have known what she wanted in the end, though. She would never find anything, regardless of how much she would want to deny it. The only thing she anticipated was dying; all she had ever desired was to completely vanish.

Perhaps in the eyes of the world, she would always be regarded as a failure, and in the end, she was. Everyone, no matter how mentally tough they are, has a breaking point. She had arrived to hers a long time ago, yet she persisted. She kept looking, but it was pointless, and she eventually accepted it. Accepting that this life would never bring her joy. As a result, when she let her body fall from the building, the only thing she could explain was what she was looking for. Happiness. For someone like her, who has only known suffering, death may be the only thing that can eventually make her happy. A terrible and avoidable final outcome. So, as her body drew closer to the ground, she allowed her lips to make her first and final sincere smile.