fresh starts

phantom pains

𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖌𝖊𝖗 𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘 𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖉 𝖎𝖓 𝖆𝖚𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖗'𝖘 𝖓𝖔𝖙𝖊

☆

sapnap wakes up with a desperate gasp, his hands flying up to claw at his neck.

his fingers scratch at the skin to find there's nothing there- no pressure against his throat. yet he can still feel it.

sapnap's body burns from his waist down, like phantom pains from a memory of his past. he pushes himself up in the bed so he is sitting against the headboard as he lets his gaze filter over the room.

it's pitch black, the night sky visible through his open curtains. but, more importantly, he is alone.

he is the only person in his room. there is no one holding him down on the bed, no one flipping his desk, no one screaming at him from the doorway. it's just him.

sapnap's heart begins to hurt as a sob rips from the back of his throat. he brings his knees up against his chest, holding them tightly there as he cries, eyes pressed into the material of his sweatpants.

he's alone and safe, but yet he can still feel every pain all the same. his legs ache, his neck feels strangled, his jaw stings. he doesn't want to acknowledge the pain lower down. when they moved, his life was supposed to get better, but it isn't, it is just as painful as before.

his cries are heavy in his chest, and sapnap hits his head down on his knees in frustration, desperately trying to push away the images of his nightmare.

the ravenette picks his head up, viciously rubbing the tears from his skin as he tries to take grounding breaths.

he has to kill himself.

what once was a want, has become a need. sapnap cannot continue living like this. this isn't living.

he pulls himself out of bed and into the bathroom, pulling his bottles out of the cabinet.

his heart is pounding, actions guided by the stinging adrenaline coursing through him. he said he'd never do it at home, never risk his mom finding him. but surely she could never feel this pain, she would get over it.

he sets all the bottles in his sink before picking up any random one and screwing off the lid.

a thought hits him and sapnap momentarily puts the pills back down, rushing into his room. he pulls open his bedside cabinet drawer, reaching under to take the letter he had taped there. he checks it is still intact before dropping it down on his desk and turning back towards the bathroom. back towards the pills.

he stops at the doorway, peering over at the envelope on his desk.

sapnap always thought his mom would be the only person ever worthy of receiving a suicide note from him, that she was the only person he would ever care about enough to consider before his death.

but his mind lapses, and flips and falls and lands, in the lap of the trio.

and as he stares at the note he'd written to his mom, he thinks they deserve one too. he hadn't known them long, but (besides his mother) the only good memories he has from the past few years are with them. he knows the simple interactions will never mean as much to the group of boys as they do to him, and they probably wouldn't even care about his death, but he cares about them.