Venting

Umm

So this is my first "chapter" ig
I dont really know how to start this but
TW: mentions of sucide (not me), and i dont know if im an asshole or not

Ok so one thing about me is that im a (14f) keep that in mind ig and for those saying im too young to be on this app...i am i just use it as an escape from reality you could say

Anyways im going to use this to get outside opinions like you know r/aita just cuz i feel like shit but i also feel like i wasnt completely wrong?
Um so basically my family has alot of issues between my brother ,and parents they used to treat him like shit ,and now they kinda are trying to change, but at the same time they never really gave him an apology. Now i used to this me and my brother were pretty close but at the same time i love my parents i dont hate them and i know its not my place to judge since they (technically) didnt do anything to me.  They ARE toxic but in ways i think are not intentional it still hurts but ya. ( example as in whenever my mom would have a fight with my brother she would rant to me about it which is pretty emotionally draining and when i have enough of it and say"well what does that have to do with me" she would get mad at me and stop talking to me for the rest of the day. And for my dad whenever he has a fight with my brother and say im in the same room he would look at me as if he wants me to defend him and would get mad if i ignore him. that is other that the gaslighting and the guilt tripping that happens on a daily basis. And my brother would always rant to me about mom and dad keep in mind he is 17 and they did offer to take him to thearpy) so ya not resently my dad cut off the internet and acted as in he didnt do it and there is just a problem with the router or some shit but me and my brother were kind of suspicious so when he was showering my brother looked into his phone and surprise surprise he was lying so my brother argued with him and lets just say.. he got emotional and took everything he has been keeping within him cuz of the abuse out on them and told them all the ways they had hurt him (mentally and physically), and he told them that that was the reason he was SHing. After that they made an agreement that he can have his phone everyday when he finshes his homework. And if he did t finish his homework my dad would take away the internet. Ok cool right nothing wrong with that, thing is my brother didnt go through eith the agreement and used excuses on why he didn't finish his homework and then he argued with my dad, and my dad said that he was going to change the internet password and he left my brothers room, after a couple of minutes pass my brother goes out of his room and unplugs and takes the roater to his room saying that if he cant have internet than no one can, (sounds cliché ik ) thing is the only person that affects really is me since both my parents have alot of data so they wont really need it but i on the other hand dont have data so realistically speaking that will only affect me, I tried to reason with him but he didn't listen and kicked me out of his room saying that dad was gonna change the password either way so it didnt matter (dad doesn't trust me enough to tell me the password cuz he is scared i will tell it to my brother) so whatever right.. not i went in my room and about 30 min later i heard my brother come out of his room asking for rubbing alcohol and i already knew what he did. The thing that makes me angry is that he only did it to make dad feel like shit for taking the internet but my dad ignored him  and continued whatever he was doing so my brother cleaned up his scar alone (i didnt want to go out of my room) ,and my mom was in shock, but later she helped him though. now fast forward to the next day i barley talked to my brother when i got out of my room i was hungry so i wanted to make a mug cake at the same time though my brother was in the kitchen eating ( he is vegan and the mug cake isnt) when he found out the the mug cake i was making wasnt vegan he got mad and told me that he genuinely hated me i told him that at least i'mnot an asshole and he told me that i was since i cared more about the internet that him killing himself then i ignored him so he threw my phone (it was on the table) on the floor and threw some salsa also on the floor since he knew that if he left it there long enough i will clean it up cuz i didnt want mom to clean it up and when he saw that i was ignoring him got mad and forced me out of the kitchen the problem is i dont know if im actually an asshole for being mad at him it wasn't only cuz of the internet, but cuz of his actions at the same time i feel like im being selfish since ya i hate my life, but i also dont hate it enough to try to kill myself thing is ever since we were younger fights happen I remember multiple occasions where i had to beg my dad not to send him to boarding school and now he is getting comfortable hurting me im scared it will get worse between them and me but lets be real the only person that acknowledges the fact that im here and that this shit is hurting me is my mom and she still doesn't stop. i feel selfish, but at the same time my feelings should be valid right? like this shit has been going on since i was 4 for fucks sake.

I dont know how to end this "chapter" bit yea i do feel a bit better after writing this shit down sorry for any spelling mistakes and my lack of punctuation but yea