I self harmed 3 months ago, I'm lying about not doing it for a full year, and i am afraid im going to relapse, but my mom always wells at me every time i self harm, last time she told my pastor and he talked to me for 20 minutes while i sobbed and showed him my vents to people, only to find out he told my mom everything we talked about and everything i had hidden in my notes, i dont want to sh again because i like thinking about how proud people ate of me but then i remember that ive been lying this whole time, 3 months ago from today i would have never been where i am now, i tried committing after one of my friends was talking to me about how she hates how i seek to much attention, so i wanted to show her what 'seeking attention' was really like, i wrote a note and my sister found it in my journal and showed my mom, people don't understand that when you share something bad about me like self harm or suicide it gets worse especially with a mom who wont even treat you and instead yells at you telling you that you are ruining your body, i know i love the people i am friends with now, but i cant help but think about suicide, thats all i think about these days, is what it would be like if i actually died 3 months ago, so i want to try it again, but what if someone finds out, but what if that person doesnt care, .... is someone i care about but honestly would he even care, i love ... even if she is my ex but if she found out would she even shed a tear, and my mom, i begged my mom to take me to a mental hospital once, and all i got in return was her telling all her friends about it, and them laughing about it while i was locked in the other room listening while cutting myself, most people think i do this stuff for attention but when i explain to them that i dont they dont care and it makes me feel worse, sometimes when i draw i tend to put scars on my drawings so that i can feel what its really like, and lately i have been doing it a lot, so much so that i hide my drawings. I have a knife right next to me, i can do it right now, i can sh and feel it again, the silence of the world, the voices in my head finally shutting up, but then i have to face the consequences, feeling guilty, hiding it, someone finding out and telling my mom, and the voices yelling at me about how i shouldn't have done it, and then when they fade i can here them telling me to do it. Sometimes i go over my scars, 34 on one leg, i want to go over them again, but what if i get caught, ill be back in home school, and i will get my phone taken away, my mom will always tell me to take my clothes off so that she can 'check me' but honestly if she ever does i might just tell her. She thinks im clean, she thinks im okay, she thinks im happy, she thinks i love myself, she thinks i eat, she thinks it helps when she tells her friends about my sh, but honestly it hurts, a lot. I don't have the perfect body which makes me mad, i want to be pretty but i cant even feel confident enough to call someone and yet i think i can get a boyfriend, no wonder nobody likes me i mean i wouldn't either especially if i looked like this, i just want to be able to sleep when i want to without having trouble, and yet all i can think about at night is my looks or relapsing, i really want to harm myself but honestly im scared that people would hate me, honestly if i could move out right now i would never eat, i would starve and i would always self harm cause whats someone gonna do tell my mom? And i mean what would she even be able to do, i would be 18 and moved out she cant touch me.
