On the 69th of Hermuary (A month decreed by the great Greek god Hermes), a phenomenon occurred that had not yet been dreamt of even by the likes of Hypnos, the god of dreams.
Hermes began to cook fuckin meth baby. WOOHOOOOOOOOO- It all started in a van in the middle of nowhere, summoned by Dr. Hermes himself. He began by inputting 26 packs of jolly ranchers hard candies through his careful examination and sorting, until he had only the blue raspberry flavored ones. He dumped them into a heated pot with gatorade and let it sit until fully melted. The god then proceeded to input the secret ingredients: 3 whole bottles of blue Listerine, a blue goat's (only found in the dreams of a crack induced coma stricken patient) urine, and a stew made of dionysus' gym shorts.
He freezed the mixture, then cracked it up, and stuffed bunches into plastic baggies. Over the course of the next week Hermes ascended into his true form. Dr. Herminburg.
And here's how Herminburg's empire collapsed. It all began when Dionysus decided that Herminburg had been too successful in his business. Herminburg knew that if Dionysus reached Zeus, his new meth business would crumble at the very word of Zeus. So Herminburg devised a devious plan.
He got his demigod son to slap Mr. D, distracting him from Herminburg's looming methamphetamine empire. With Dionysus sent into a mad fury, Herminburg thought he had made it out, but no. It was his own greed that led to his downfall. You see, there's nothing gods value more than their domains. Especially the Big 3 felt this way. So when Herminburg had the idea to create a meth chain in asphodel, it didn't take an Athena to figure that would not pass well with Hades. But no, Herminburg's greed and lust for drachma overwhelmed his very senses. You see, in his mind it was the perfect branch. Asphodel is the most boring place in all 3 domains, and everybody knows that. Turning it into an eternal meth-head wheatfield was a perfect marketing strategy. So Herminburg set off, first by sneaking into the Underworld and giving bags of happy rocks to asphodel ghosts. Step one of a good marketer- make your customers want more. And sitting in a wheatfield eternally doesn't seem like a better life plan than snorting pop rocks for eternity at a low price. It was going quite smoothly. Until Hades found out.
But Herminburg had a plan as always. Hades only listens to his wife, Persephone. So by bribing her into branching her secret weed industry with him for the price of keeping Hades away, Herminburg's empire grew tenfold. But his last mistake was... he hired Apollo for the ads. Apollo was flat out TERRIBLE. Sure, he could tell meh poetry and bring mortals to tears with a mere anime opening, but he was terrible at ad marketing. If Herminburg had to withstand another #MethForAsphodel haiku he would go insane.
And insane he went. By the end of Hermuary he was trying to convince Artemis to let him do a meth presentation meeting with the local forest animals about why they should buy his products. The only deal he got was with an arrow to his behind. Meanwhile, Zeus' wrath was growing. He believed that it was worse than when Prometheus put a selfie with fire on mortal twitter millenia ago. It was simply too much for those feeble mortals. So down came the lightning along with Herminburg's meth supply. And over and over and over again he tried to restart, but zeus would not permit him. And that is the story of Herminburg
