After Death (Season 4)

Chapter 8 (The Executioner...)

Chapter 8: The Executioner...

Ethan Warren

Estimated, May 2025

About three years after outbreak

California, The Circus

Season 4

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I should have been there. I should have given Timothy what he wanted. I should have been the leader that I signed up to be. But I didn't sign up for this, I didn't want this. I didn't want this shit on my shoulders weighing me down until I can't take it anymore. I am the reason people die. They are dead because I'm an asshole. A selfish asshole who means well. I promise I only have the best intentions even if it might not seem that way all the time.

Leah, she could have lead. She was what these people needed, not me. She would have kept Rudi from leaving, she would have kept Dallen and Aiden alive. She would have done so much more than I ever could. And I wouldn't even care if she didn't do anything for me because that's how it's supposed to be. That's the only way we can have the life I promised. She could have promised that life to her son. Her son that was supposed to live a life with his mother and father. But of course, I murdered that life, I murdered that boy's father.

As much as I wish it would, this will never change. I'll always pretend to be something I'm not. I'll pretend to be the strong one, I'll carry the burdens because I'm too selfish to give it up. I can't give up the leadership because I need it to feel like something even if I don't want to feel like anything. I'm a confusing mess that just wants people to look up to him but I would understand if they looked away.

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I ran up to Thomas with a knife in my hand. I held back my tears as I watched Dallen choke on his own blood. Everything happened so fast, I don't even really remember what I was going to do with that knife. I wanted to kill him but I should have known I would never succeed. If I could have just made a scratch maybe that would have changed something. It probably wouldn't have helped but maybe it would have proved a point. I don't think I even got withing a few feet of him before I was pushed to the ground, forced to watch Dallen's life drain from his eyes.

"What the hell you think you're doing?" I heard Andrew ask from on top of me. I figured that Timothy had let him out of confinement but I honestly wasn't sure. He kicked my knife away from my hand and laughed as he shoved the barrel of a pistol inside my mouth. It tasted like gun powered, metal, and regret.

"I would love to pull the trigger right now, and I know the big man would be proud," he whispered directly into my ear. His words were like nails on a chalkboard and I struggled as much as my body could to try and get away. "but that would ruin the fun, wouldn't it?" He pushed the gun deeper down my throat, tears fell from my eyes as the pain settled in. I wanted it to be over. I wanted him to pull the trigger. I was ready to die because so many of my people were dying right in front of my eyes.

"Andrew," Timothy yelled, "do it." His voice sounded bored, like he knew something I didn't. I realize now that he knew I wasn't going to die right there. He knew someone would stop Andrew even if that someone wasn't about to be him. He didn't want me dead as much as I wanted him. He wanted us to be able to be friends but after what he did to Dallen he should have known that was never going to happen. I heard Andrew giggle with excitement after Timothy gave the orders. I closed my eyes preparing to feel relief as I entered death, but it never came. I didn't die that day, it should have been me but instead a different gun went off and the bullet went through Andrew's neck. It's almost like Timothy knew that was exactly what was about to happen.