Brain Waves

Part Two: Children in Raincoats

Today was a difficult day, I guess in some ways I felt useless and didn't have the heart to try my best. I find that I make a pros and cons list in my head for everything I do so I can check if something is really worth me doing. Today had more cons then pros.

I suppose it started fine and just got progressively worse as the hours ticked by. There was nothing I could do to stop it because it really was just a bad day, at least I hope it was. I went through a long time where everyday would be worse than the next and I remember falling into a hole of futility and thinking, 'Is it ever going to get better or is this where I spiral?'.

I often use spirals in my personal writing because I think it fits what I was feeling at that time. I had no control, like I said before. If it's a bad day, it's a bad day and that won't change. Remembering those days and using the spiral to put into words what I was feeling really helps me to explain what happened and to put it behind me in some ways. But I'm always left with the same fear.

What if it happens again?

Whenever I have days like this one, my head firmly believes that a spiral is about to happen and I get more upset, more miserable and I end up putting myself into a panicking state. These states usually include screaming, crying and sitting there numb. Today I was sat in the back of my dads car silently sobbing as the rain slid down the windows and the thunder rolled and rumbled in the background. Around five minutes beforehand I had been shouting about my missing clothes and worrying if my dad would be mad at me for taking longer than expected to gather my necessities to stay at his.

My parents are separated if that helps whoever reads this. They separated in November of last year I believe. It's been almost a whole year since my life was flipped upside down and then chewed up and spat back out as fragments of a clumpy mess that doesn't make any sense. I don't care that they've separated (they are both happier now with different people) but it can be difficult and it strains me emotionally sometimes.

I have many friends that have separated parents but they separated when they were younger. I don't think I know anyone who went through a separation when they were my age. It's different I think. I'm aware of what happens, hypersensitive to the way things are said or how people act, I'm told things I shouldn't be because I'm the oldest. I'm nearly sixteen. It's a big year for me, next year I start a whole new chapter of my life and I welcome the fresh start. There is a lot of responsibility though. I'm the first. The first Grandchild, first and only Granddaughter, first and only Niece, first and only Daughter as well. My brothers are younger and they still have their teens to get into yet so I want to make sure they don't have to constantly push themselves like I do. I want them to enjoy being kids.

Speaking of children and responsibilities, on the drive back to my dads temporary house I saw two children wearing raincoats. You're probably wondering what the significance of those two children is right about now aren't you? Well I'll explain the best I can.

The first one I saw was a little girl wearing a lovely yellow coat with white swirls, almost like clouds dancing lazily in the early morning dawn. I just sat there and one singular thought popped into my mind, 'one day I'm going have a little girl and I'm going to put her in a lovely little raincoat just like that'. This was unusual in two ways. The first way was that I was sobbing in the back of a car and that was an oddly positive thought and the second was that I have never truly realised how much I would like children of my own one day. At this point I was deep in thought when I saw another raincoat in the near distance.

This time it was a little boy and I know for certain that I smiled a little at his vivid red coat and his comically large hood. I think that was what solidified my new thought that was running around my head and it gave me hope.

Shortly after, I stopped crying and I instead focused on what raincoat I would get my kids when I have them in the future. This then gave me motivation which is something I find difficult to get recently. I kept telling myself that I needed to get through this day and the next day so that eventually I could get the qualifications, the job that I needed to buy those raincoats (and maybe a little pair of wellington boots to match) for my nonexistent children.

I want to be able to live and keep on being alive so I can one day make a decision in the morning before a school run as to what raincoats I will put my children in on that day. I understand that to some there is nothing worse than that but to me it's given me a reason to carry on and as strange as it is I am thankful.

I find it so strange that one word, one thought or action can change a persons whole mindset and attitude to life. For me, I look forward to the small domestic things that come with a secure future but to others that thing that keeps them going is exploring the world or being the most successful business person. Personally I think that's rather beautiful that we each find our own purpose. I also think it's quite poetic that I found my purpose and my reason on a very difficult day.