The only memory I choose to hold onto involving a specific someone who I thought was someone they were not, takes place in the morning hours of Friday February 13, 2015. I was at a new school, I didn't understand the social normalities yet. How was I to know all of the boys of one social status stand in one place, while all of the girls stand in another? Well, the fact of the matter is I didn't know. So I stood next to him. Only for a few minutes because I soon realized my mistake, but I stood next to him. We made very, very small talk. This is not memorable, but I guess it is ironic because at the time Jake really didn't make me feel small. At the time, Jake made me feel nervous in the best of ways. I recall accidentally, at least on my part, bumping shoulders. Moreover, I recall the dull buzz of sensation that seemed to be imprinted on my skin long after his had departed. But these are insignificant details. These I do not want to remember.
What I wish I could tangibly touch from that morning, what I willingly have decided to remember, is the look he had in his eyes. There was one precise moment where he looked at me and I could've sworn he saw me. Honest and genuinely saw me. I think it may have been that exact moment that lead me to pour so much unrequited trust into someone who never deserved it. In all honesty, I do not believe he ever wanted it. And in all fairness, I cannot blame my decisions on a moment.
Still, no one's eyes have ever held my attention the way his did right then. And after right then, no part of him, eyes or otherwise, did again. I've searched since, but whatever was in those deceiving sort of hazel complexities on Friday the 13th 2015, has long since abandoned Jake Doucette without any hope of return.
I choose to remember this moment, this memory, that feeling, because it was new. Not because it came from him, but because it came from me. For a totally inexplicable reason, that look and that moment made me really understand for the first time just how many possibilities my life contains. All of the opportunities I could take seemed to be right there. It was sort of like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold day, but also not. It was in the sense that it was secure, it was more than pleasant, and it was not only welcome but wanted and even sought after. It was not because while I did feel secure and stable, this immense realization of the notion of infinity washed over me. Watching those eyes right then was like knowing the depths of the ocean and the expanses of the sky.
I don't think I recall anything else about that day. I try not to recall much about Jake in general because there is no use. I think that what I am trying to describe is one of those things where you really cannot understand it until somehow, someday, you just do. Sort of like algebra, or poetry, or love.
But then again, it could've been just a trick of the eyes.
YOU ARE READING
a collection of short stories and skewed thoughts
Poetrydo you ever just spit up nonsense that is only logic in your mind because this is that
