What If

Alex Performance

Alex's POV

He left! He didn't even hear the end.

"Well damn. How do you feel?" Forrest asked me in awe.

"Like I just sang a song about a guy... in front of a bunch of cowboys, and" I stopped and took a breath. "I don't care," I said with a big fake smile, but the truth is I do care. I care that Michael left. I care that he didn't hear the end of the song I had explicitly written for him, but I would pretend I didn't.

"Oh, lucky guy, with a song like that." it wasn't supposed to be a question, but he said it questioningly like he could see there was more to my thoughts.

"Yeah, it was a long time ago," I said, answering the silent question in his eyes.

"Yeah?" he cocked his eyebrow at me and gave me a sad smile.

"Yeah," I answered, but no, it was a minute ago, an hour ago, a day ago, a week ago, a month ago, and a year ago. Who am I kidding? It has been every day of my life since I met Michael Guerin. Every day I think about him, But he left in the middle of a song I wrote for him, so I guess I have my answer. I need to move on starting now, starting with Forrest. "Can I..." I said and leaned forward, my face getting dangerously close to Forrest's.

"Yeah," he said, smiling, so I kissed him. It's terrible. It's so bad. Not because of him, don't get me wrong, he's not a bad kisser. He's a fantastic kisser. But it's me. I guess it's because he's not the one I want to be kissing. I pull away from the kiss, my mind swirling with thoughts.

I can tell Forrest is happy if his smile indicates anything. Luckily I heard my name being called from the bar.

"Alex! Alex, come get your free drink!" Maria yells across the bar. So I walk over. To her, I could feel my face was pink. "I'm so proud of you" she leaned over the bar to hug me, and I hugged her back.

"Thank you," I say as I squeeze her to death.

"So what will it be," she asked with a big smile.

"A triple shot of bourbon," I answered immediately. I downed it in one go. She gives me a look like she knows that something is wrong, but she doesn't ask. I think that's one of the reasons she's my best friend, she always know when to ask and not to ask, and I love her for it.

"Thank you," I say. But, unfortunately, we both know it's not for the drink.

"If you wanted to talk, you would, but if you want to drink right now, I'm not going to stop you," Maria said while pouring me another. I downed that too.

"Hey, if anyone asks, I'm going to the bathroom," she nods in acknowledgement.

I slam the door to the bathroom, and I can barely breathe. I try to take a  breath, but I can't. Suddenly, I have my father's stupid voice in my head. I was over that, but Michael managed to bring it back in one minute.

"Hey... are you ok?" I look at the door and see my brother. He started off sounding happy and then quickly concerned.

I could barely pull myself together. "Gregory, yeah, I'm fine. I just needed a minute to think away from everyone. What's up."

"I just wanted to say that your song was perfect, and I'm really proud of you. But seriously, are you sure you're OK? You don't look too good" he really does sound concerned.

"Thank you, it means a lot, and yeah, I'm fine just needed a minute alone."

"I know I wasn't really there for you when you needed me. For example, when you were in high school, but I'm here now, so you can talk to me."

"When did he leave?" I ask shyly, I don't really want to know, but I have to.

"Who?"

"Michael Guerin! When did he leave? What part of the song did you notice?" I yell.

"He left like 30 seconds before you went to look at him."

He didn't hear it. He didn't listen to it. He didn't hear the part where I mentioned healing. Because of him, he left right before that part. My heart is racing, and my anger and sadness are rising.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'll give you the space you want. If you need me, I'll be outside" he sounds so sad, and I feel so bad.

I thought I was ready to break down my wall, but I think I need them more than ever. But this time, it is ten times thicker and stronger than before. Time to move on. I find Forrest. "Hey, you want to get out of here."

He turns around to look at me with a big smirk and asks, "Your place or mine."