Imagines

𝓡𝓮𝓳𝓮𝓬𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷

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I stood there. Feeling like a fool. 

The flowers in my hand that I had given to him, were back in my hands. 

What? 

I didn't understand what was happening, my mind and my heart were both racing nearing me to a panic attack. 

"Did you hear me Rose?" Damien asked, putting his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him, a confused look on my face. I was on the brink of swallowing myself whole and crashing down. I took a couple seconds to compose myself once again and muster enough strength to respond. 

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't hear you. Can you repeat yourself?" I look him in the eyes and my heart pounds in my chest. I loved his eyes dearly. They reminded me of the stars there were painted in the sky within the galaxies. I couldn't help but adore the way he looked at me, with gentle eyes that matched his same gentle care towards me.  

He removed his hand from my shoulder and turned away from me, his hand scratching the back of his neck before sliding it down one side. He wasn't smiling. He didn't seem happy either. 

"I'm sorry Rose, but I can't accept your feelings. I have already developed something with someone else. And I don't want to put that in any jeopardy, and because of how you feel about me, I'm afraid we can no longer be friends." Damien said without looking in my direction. He sighed looking out the window to his left. I felt the tears overflow out of my eyelids as my chest tightened up in what best could be described as pain. The tears rolling down my cheek as he glazed out the window. A small smile forming on his face. 

"There he is." Damien faced his whole body to lean against the window stand. I looked out the window to see the football field filled with practicing players. The sun beaming behind the trees and the wind slightly blowing, slightly messing up Damien's beautiful dirty blonde bangs. The wind blowing the sweet scent of his shampoo in my direction making me nearly choke on my tears. 

"Player 14. That's him." I spot the player. He was tall, and his skin was golden with the sun glistening off him. His suit the was originally white and yellow was now mixed with green and brown. The coach blew the whistle and they all ran to the benches for a huddle. Player 14 took off his helmet to reveal his silky wet curls that bounced as he ran to the team. It was at this moment that I realized that Damien only acted the way he did towards me because he was being a generous friend, and I took his kindness and misinterpreted it to be an interest he may have had in me. All this time he was never into me. Or even into girls for that matter. I felt my heart ache. The man I wanted and chased for two years was gay.  

The tears didn't stop. I tried to wipe them away without making a scene but Damien turned to look at me. His smile quickly faded and he quickly tried to get me to stop crying. 

"Oh goodness Rose, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to-" he cupped my face and wiped away  my tears. I was still speechless. Looking out the window at player 14. He was a beautiful one. His smile was big a wide, and he seemed very charming. Perfect for him. 

"oh  no it's okay" I say turning to face him while my voice cracks. Feeling my throat tighten up in pain, making it harder for me to speak. 

"I should have told you sooner that I was.." He said, holding one side of my face. ".. I was just scared you would judge me. You are my best friend and I didn't want to ruin our friendship." He spoke as if he was withering away. He looked down at the floor and let out a small sign again. I could tell this wasn't easy for him either. I realize I shouldn't make this any harder for the both of us. I want to keep this friendship just as much as he does. 

I muster all my strength once more, and take his hand off my face. Damien lifts he head to me so that we are eye level. 

"Please. Don't be ashamed to tell me more about who you are. I would never in a million years ever judge you, for being you." I looked down at the field again, the football team looked as if they were about to head inside. "Does he know though?" I look back into Damien's eyes again. 

"You should run down and tell him how you feel because from the looks of it, you know your feelings are strong but you don't know how to tell him." I say to him. I set the flowers down and hold hid hands in a ball. 

"Go down there and tell him how you truly feel." I let go of his hands and pick up the flowers that he was supposed to take home with him. I felt my heart pounding as my anxiety began to overtake my body.

Damien stood straight and wrapped his arms around me in a hug. His embrace was tight and comforting and even though I have always enjoyed such hugs from him, I felt nothing close to comfort. The smell of his shampoo hitting my nostrils once more. 

"Thank you Rose." He whispered in my ear before letting go. I heard his footsteps fade away and I could no longer smell his sweet shampoo. 

I turned around and Damien was no longer in sight. I looked out the window again. The golden sun is now setting making the sky look a beautiful mix of crimson and bright ginger.  My heart throbbed in my chest as I finally let the reality of what just happened sink in. Damien, is not in love with me. But I am so deeply in love with him. My chest feels numb but it feels the weight of the world as well. My happiness crumbling in my mind like sand. I could feel my fingertips but they were shaking. The sun covering my body in its light that provided much warmth but I felt cold. From my head to my toes. I look down at my red and pink daisies that I carefully wrapped. Their originally meaning love and admiration quickly represented itself to me as failure and sorrow. A constant reminder that my first love wouldn't ever want me the way I've always wanted him. Although Damien had wiped my previous tears, I already had new ones slowly flowing down my cheek. 

It is such a pain when the closest person you know doesn't love you back, but it is a different type of pain when you know that person loves you but they will never love you the way you love them. You don't choose who you love. Love chooses you but you can always make the choice of whether or not that person fits you or not. Accepting or denying is our choice in what we do, not how we feel. I can't be upset about it. It's the luck of the draw and I'm unfortunate to get an unlucky card to play. 

I looked down in the field and saw Damien run up to player 14. I observed as they talked for a while before I witness them embrace each other with excitement and followed by a kiss. I am so happy for them. I'm glad things worked out on their end. My knees felt weak. My throat felt closed up, almost like I was suffocating. My vision now blurry as I burst into tears. The mixed emotions within me putting my mind through more misery than I would have imagined. 

I fall to the floor curled over covering my face, and crying into my own hands. My plan had swerved so and gone so wrong for me yet somehow I managed to make it all so right for Damien. He gets to be with his lover while I have to figure out how to get over mine. 

I haven't been injured and I know my body is in one piece. However it feels as if there is a hole that replaced my torso and that I've been shot in the chest with a bullet. But in a sense, I did take a bullet for him. A rather painful one at that. I  text my dad to pick me up and that it was an emergency. I needed to get out of this place. This quiet and peaceful library would only make me feel worse than how I did as it would replay what happened in my mind over and over. 

This is the worst way to get rejected