Eyes on Me

Relena got up from the bench. She heard the sound of the clock near the park announcing the hour. She counted; it struck seven. The car would be waiting near the fountains, just as it always had been, but tonight home is the last place on her mind. Let them worry, she thought. Everyone else seemed to have forgotten.

She walked steadily towards the docks, but her mind had reached it ahead of her. I'm drawn, take me away. Take me down. I never believed in infinity even as this world, on the verge of destruction, seemed to live on forever. I did not ask for any of this. Engulf me and maybe when I reached your bottom I'll be cold, out of breath and...safe.

She didn't notice the darkness until the park, well lighted, lay behind her. There was no moon and she realized that the street lamps had been made intentionally dimmer to suit the atmosphere on the wharves. Indeed she could see an intimate couple a little far ahead. The sound of the waves that greeted her was music to her ears. She pulled her frock a little tighter around her as she finally reached the railing.

She closed her eyes "'You are a waterfall, and I a stream. You will forever flow through me, but I shall not contain you; and you will never wash me away.'" The breeze carried her whisper away just as soon as it left her mouth. She wanted to laugh but was short of conviction. Yes, how could she have missed the irony of her life---everyone is looking up to this girl who's forever on her knees, picking up the broken pieces of herself.

I am broken, she thought. Everything in this life, everyone, had brought me pain after pain. I am alone and yet they asked of me the strength of a hundred-fold. Where shall I draw it from? What do I know of war, of peace? I wanted peace because it seemed so uncomplicated and yet I've been made to see that peace is as intricate as war. That it can be arrived at from so many angles. I asked which angle, and you, you talked to me of strategies, weapons, and death. Death? I asked you how to find peace and you talked about death?

He reached the docks. Relena had her back towards him. She was twenty meters away. He took one look at her, leant at the railing and looked away. Slowly he took off his gloves, put the pair inside his jacket and took off the black jacket itself. He was only wearing a tank top. The air was chilly enough without the sea breeze and goose bumps just as soon appeared in his arms as soon as it made contact with the night. It felt good. Ice inside as well as outside.

Relena opened her eyes and glanced up. When she was younger she had believed in making wishes on falling stars. But after she'd travel in the outer space herself, she realized that the enchanting twinkling stars were really no more than burning balls of gases that could neither grant your wishes nor allow itself to be inhabited by dear departed souls who wished to guide their love ones from above. Her eyes fixed on a blue star. Blue stars are cold. Dead. 

Cobalt blue?

A wave of dizziness gripped him and on instinct he grasped the railing. It was gone just as soon as it had come; he almost believed he had imagined it. Almost, except that it wasn't the first time. It was the fall---something broke or snapped or tore—that never healed. A thin shadow of a smile touched his lips. Where there two falls?

Earlier he didn't believe he would do it, travel a good 1.7 billion miles for it. Quatre raised an eyebrow. Wufei was mildly suspicious, damn him. No one else saw him leave. He was about to get into Zero when he was surprised to find that Quatre followed him.

"Slow night," Quatre commented.

He paused at the landing and grunted.

Quatre smiled and shook his head. "Get used to Wufei, he doesn't trust his own mother." Their eyes met and Heero finally nodded.

"I'll just get some air," Heero said. "I won't be long."

It was crazy how he covered the distance in time, even with Zero's speed. But he did it. The waves crashed below him. I can do nothing to reclaim your innocence, but I can remember. I can't take back what I said, but I can fly.

"Kill me," Relena said out loud. The night made no reply. From a distance she could make out lights: a ship out at sea. It was a beautiful night after all. People cruise with perhaps no slightest remembrance of the time when black mobile suits with its bombs raze the skies, annihilating anything moving in sight. If he did kill her then, would---what? Would Sanc have survived? Christ, even Heero would have snapped at that thought. 

"Damn," she swore, as she at last acknowledged the name. But wasn't she thinking of him all along?

She could say "he" as if he is any guy in the park, in this world or within the universe, but he would always be Heero. Except that for the "he" she could affect sympathy, for she had felt the loneliness there and she had connected. But for Heero---for Heero she wanted to put on courage, though in lie: for she could survive the ridicule of the world but not his.

What do you see? Heero thought. Relena's outline was hazy from where he stood, as if mist had surrounded her. Why do you still come?

Kill me, she had told him. Slowly, Heero raised his arm towards Relena's direction, his fingers on an imaginary gun. What gun had that been?

Suddenly, Relena felt the warmth settle inside, even as the night became steadily chilly. It was what she came there for after all.

I had come here almost ready to give up, but I need only to remember your cold, detached eyes and decide that no, I won't have it on me yet. Only that and I'll make it through the day. She bowed her head, her eyes stung. Wherever you are right now, thank you.

He lowered his arm. You are the death of me, Relena. He put on his gloves again but didn't bother with the jacket. He took one last look at the girl.

"Happy Birthday," he whispered. He turned, walking away from her.