So according to Google, I might have BPD, ADHD, PTSD, Bipolar.. the whole lot! Sometimes it feels like I've got everything and I need to get diagnosed ASAP but unfortunately, we live with a service that is only available during your appointment slot. So when I am awake at 3am, trying not to drown in my thoughts, struggling to breathe and stay still, amongst other discomforts, I can't speak to anyone or reach out for help. But when I am able to be seen, it is after I have already had a breakdown and pluck my courage to go to my appointment to talk about my intense feelings... only to be laughed at and told to 'grow up'.
If that's the kind of response and 'support' I get from these so called professionals, how would I feel confident in their diagnosis? I am going to be left wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
I have heard of people feeling like the whole world is against them which I can relate too but if it is happening so often, with every person I have in my life, it can't be a coincidence right? surely they can't all be in the wrong so there must be something wrong with me. But you see, that is where my problem lies because I am a person who values and will be grateful for the company I have, I am not the type of person that can intentionally mistreat another person and then be able to sleep with a clear conscience. I am the type to go out of my way to show my loyalty, I will put others before myself to show them how much they mean to me so maybe that is what is wrong with me?
There are times where I feel like life couldn't be more perfect, even if i don't have the people I once had in my life, I feel like nothing can bring me down. I will look around me and find things to be grateful for, I will be motivated to put myself and my happiness first. When I am feeling good, I am so grateful for the people in my life, even if they're not being genuine with me. But then when I am feeling the opposite, it feels like the whole world is against me, my parents, my family friends and even colleagues. I sit there (or lay in bed) and wonder why I can't keep people in my life. Why have I lost the cousins who I have tried to show are so dear to my heart, where did it all go wrong? Why am I now alone with my baby when a few years ago me and my cousins promised our children will be close that they can't tell that we are cousins but now we pretend we are happy to live our lives separately and don't acknowledge each others children, did I do something wrong?
It's always me, all the shit just has to happen to me. I have lost cousins, aunts and even my own sibling. There has to be something I am doing wrong but I just can't figure out what? Why was I abused by my uncle out of all of my cousins? As an 8 year old, what did I do so wrong for him to abuse me for over 10 years until I had the courage to speak up. Why is it that after talking about my abuse, I am still trying to prove to my own family that I am not lying and it wasn't an 'affair' between an 8 year old and her uncle? It has to be me, there has to be something wrong for me to still be crying and fighting to be heard and all that is doing is breaking my family. People would rather distance themselves from you and cut you off than go against a paedophile in the family.
All I have wanted from as long as I can remember is comfort but I have had the opposite of that. Instead of receiving comfort from family members, I am being used for the very little money I earn and after being used, I am just pushed away. Just shows my worth doesn't it?
Maybe the issue I have is being unable to put myself first and always putting others before me. Am I a people pleaser?
