Terri Joe from Bon Temps, Louisiana has recently got a job at the Piggly Wiggly, but little does she know what's about to unfold on one long summer's day. Can Terri Joe save the day?...
Momma always told me I'm the gator whisperer. If I can deal with the gators, I can deal with the hommasexyuhs! The first part of my plan was ready. It was time to scare away the hommasexyuhs at the Piggly Wiggly. I grabbed a kitchen knife and broke open the ketchup bottles on the lower shelf. I squirted the cold ketchup onto my petit body and splashed it onto my face (Tyler, my husband-to-be, says I'm really good at squirting). It looked like my body was serving up something fierce and I looked like a murderer on the hunt for my latest victim. I rolled my way around the Piggly Wiggly looking for all of the hommasexyuhs. I knew my plan would work; the one thing a hommasexyuh will stay away from is a Christian lady covered in blood who's holding a knife.
Every time I found a hommasexyuh I rolled my eyes around like I was on perc, shouted "leave this place, damn sinner!" and let out a loud moan, the type of moan only Tyler hears. It did the trick! One by one the hommasexyuhs left the Piggly Wiggly. They ran out the door swaying their hips side to side. Perfect! But the disaster was far from over. The Piggly Wiggly no longer had hommasexyuhs inside but they were all over Bon Temps. I needed to take my plan to the next level.
I rolled out of the Piggly Wiggly in my wheelchair leaving a ketchup trail as I made my way towards my church, the Fellowship of the Sun. I rolled so fast that my arms were aching.
My next step of my plan was simple, I'd done it before but this time was so important. I had to go undercover on Grindr! Once I got to the church I prepared everyone and sent a message to all the hommasexyuhs: "Orgy at the Fellowship of the Sun. ✝ Don't miss it - TJ🍆". A message like that would definitely get all of the hommasexyuhs at the Bon Temps pride parade to come here. Lord knows it's not their first time.
It worked. Over 500 hommasexyuhs came to the church and I led them into the "conversion" room. They all looked so excited. I locked the door. Little did they know that it was time they got blessed by Bernice. Bernice is my blossoming flower below—she is always ready for anything. Bernice is a virgin and she will stay that way; I am the perfect Christian woman.
It took the rest of the afternoon and the whole night but I did it. I was up and down off my wheelchair and on my knees a lot of the time. Each hommasexyuh was blessed by Bernice and it seemed to have worked. The Piggly Wiggly was saved and Bon Temps was once again hommasexyuh free. "HALLELUJAH!".
As I always say: To keep the hommasexyuhs at bay, Terri Joe needs to get down on her knees and pray.
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