I had gotten news of a family member being in the hospital. I was at the store and couldn't stop thinking the worst things. I had to just leave my errands to be done later. I practically ran into my car. I was waiting there and when my trembling stopped I drove home. I didn't want to cry. Cry for what? Everything is going to be fine. I kept telling myself. When I got home I put myself to work. I cleaned and cleaned. When my mind had stopped racing so much I sat down. What a mistake. As soon as I sat down my ears started ringing. I felt so lightheaded and dizzy. I panicked and got up. Then I felt my pulse, which was beating at an insane speed. I started tugging at my hair and I allowed my body to collapse. I was sitting with my hands in my hair and my knees pulled to my chest. I sat there with a beating heart and not being able to control my pulse. My eyes watered and I felt so stupid. Why? Why? Why are you crying? Nothing is going to happen! Stop it! You are being dramatic! So stupid. So stupid. I started saying it aloud to hear it, "Stop it! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" The door opened and my husband came home. "Honey. Where are you?" I couldn't bring myself to say anything so I just stayed on the floor of our room. He came in and got down to his knees where I was. "Hey, hey. It's okay. Come here." He grabbed me and hugged me. My head fell into his chest but my heart was still racing. I felt so out of control. Like this feeling would last forever. I couldn't stop thinking. They will die. I will die. This feeling will go on forever. Stupid! Stupid! "Stupid!" He kissed my head and stroked my hair. "Shhh. It's okay. You aren't stupid. Everything is going to be okay. It will pass. Here breathe with me. Just listen to my breathing. You can do it, it's okay." I listened with my head on his chest and slowed my breathing down. He kissed me again, "That's it. Good job. It's going to be okay. I love you." I realized I was gripping on his shirt for dear life. I loosened my grip then said sorry. "It's okay. Hold me as tight as you need to. I am here for you. You need to lay down. I am going to pick you up, okay?" "mm Okay. Thank you." He laid me on our bed and he kissed my forehead. "I will be back. I need to change." It felt so childish but I gripped his shirt. "Please. Please, don't leave me. Just stay, real quick." I was about to take it back and apologize when he grabbed my hands. "Okay baby, whatever you want. I will stay with you. Pick up your head." He put his arms around me and hugged me. I was still trembling a bit. "Shh it's okay. Cry if you need to. I am here for you, always." I gripped his shirt sleeve and relaxed in his arms. "Um, hey. I am sorry. Thank you so much. I love you so much. I am okay now." He turned me to face him. "Do not apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. Any time I am here for you. I love you so much as well. Just next time you feel like this, please call me. I want to help you." I started crying because I was so overwhelmed with love for this man in front of me. "Shhh, It's okay. Tell me at your own time. I have all the time in the world for you." I eventually fell asleep in his arms with him stroking my head. I was so exhausted.
