FINDING MR WRONG (B1)

Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

  Yep, I just blurted it out. But what else did he expect? The man's done nothing but avoid me since pulling out of me almost two weeks ago.
His body jolts, and then he leaned forward once again, running his hands over his tired face while I carried on.
"I was homeless too, but you wouldn't know anything about that would you? It's not like I hadn't left messages. It's not like I didn't tell you. I was actually in the hospital! My life was being ripped apart, but don't worry, I've sorted it! You don't need to worry."
Cade suddenly took a deep breath, only to turn his shameful head to finally look at me. That's when he says something that completely kills me all over again.
"Oh, thank Christ! Seriously, you've done the right thing, Jo. We can't bring a baby into this shit."
There's that word again. He's comparing what we have to "shit" again. That itself hurts like hell. But the rest completely shatters me. He sees it too, and he knows his words weren't the right thing to say.
"You're still pregnant, aren't you? Christ, Jo! What the fuck are you playing at? You can't be pregnant! This will kill her."
Wait. Kill her? Holy crap! Is he serious?
"You're kidding, right? You're seriously telling me that our baby will kill her? FUCK SAKE, damn it, Cade! I'm eighteen years old, and I'm not only pregnant, but my family disowned me. I'm struggling to pay rent on a place I really can't afford. I had to take two fucking jobs, just to cover that! Christ, you're seriously telling me I'll kill her? The one with who you're 'supposedly' not happy with? What the fuck? You selfish prick! What about me? Where do I come into your fucked-up world? I'm pregnant with your child! Damn it, doesn't that mean anything to you? Do I even mean anything to you at all?"
Once again, his silence is deafening. His head is down, and he knows he's messed up. Hell, I know I've messed up, but this was him too. There were two of us in that bed. We both made this baby. I, of course, stupidity thought that he or she was made with love. How wrong was I? How wrong could I have been about him? No, that's a lie. I knew this would happen. I knew it and still, I went along with it.
This is wrong. Everything about this 'shit' is wrong. He doesn't even care about me, not one bit. All I am; was a quick fuck. That's all I ever was. I tell him all this too, and still, his shameful head stayed down.
"You know what? You disgust me! You're nothing but a selfish-cheating-dirty-coward of a rat! Don't worry, I'll do this on my own. I don't need you. Hell, I'm almost nineteen years old, and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. All the while you'll be with her, never truly being happy. She'll still be working nights, while you'll be under that fucking car! You'll be there, getting your crappy sandwiches made. I'll be fine. I'll love this baby on my own, unconditionally, just like he or she deserves.
The sad part is that I truly loved you. I would've done anything for you. I'd given not only myself to you, but I gave you my heart and now it's crushed. Cade, you've completely shattered my heart. Why do all this if you knew you weren't ever going to leave her? Why pull me in, and allow me to fall in love with you? What you've done has destroyed my whole existence. I have nothing. I have nobody to help me. My family don't want me either. They said they're ashamed of me, and now it turns out that you never even cared about me at all."
While I wipe the tears from my face, I'm gathering my bag up.
"You were right about one thing! When you said you'll destroy me, and no man will ever come near me. They'll never touch me like you did. You're right, they won't! But not because you've ruined my body with your touch. It's because I'll never trust my heart with another ever again. Please tell Karah I wasn't feeling too good, so I'm taking the bus."
With those last words, I open the door and walk out of his life. I'm not sure for how long. I'm not even sure my words affected him either. Whatever is going through his head, I have no time to stress over it. I need to sort my life out. I can't wait for him to realise I was truly his. Well, I guess now I know; he never was mine. He's bound to her, even though their marriage is pretty messed up. I can't help wondering how many times he's done this? Yes, I'm referring to what we had now, as "this shit." It's because that's all it was to him.
I feel so stupid. I completely lost myself, and fallen for his charms. He completely ruined me. All of this was wrong. He was wrong. He was my Mr Wrong, and because of him, I'll never truly love another, ever again. My first boyfriend, first kiss, and first love had truly killed my very existence. How can I move on from all this? Is this how my life will be now; single, and fucked-up, with a baby on my arm? No family or friends to speak of? Yes, I have Karah, but I can't be around her now, not knowing what I know. What happens when the baby's born? She'll see him or her, and see the resemblance. This would kill our friendship. It's killing me now. I've messed up, well and truly. I've messed my whole life up. Hell, I've messed my baby's life up. Cade wants nothing to do with our child. He told me so when he looked so relieved when I told him I sorted it. So because of our selfishness, our child will grow up with one parent. He'll grow up with no grandparents or siblings, just me. I'm all he or she will have. That's until they grow up and eventually move on. I'll be alone again. So fuck you, Cade Taylor! Damn you to hell. You've ruined my life! I hate you so much, but I love you too! I'm in love with you, and I've never hated someone so much in my life. I hate myself for loving you so much. I gave you everything, but I was never enough. We weren't ever going to be enough. Goodbye, Mr Wrong... may your life be as miserable as your marriage. Note to self, never fall for a married man. Hell, not even a man who's taken. In fact, I'm never falling again, not ever. I'm done with it, it's too painful.

***

Sometime later...
Going through forty weeks of pregnancy was hard. Giving birth, well that was even harder, but doing it on my own was heart-breaking. Raising a child on my own is hard. I get no time to myself. All my time's spent on working and taking care of my baby. Luckily, my uncle allowed me to carry on working at the hotel. I'm even allowed bring my baby with me. That's only because I can't afford a sitter. So while I clean rooms, my baby is with me. Apart from when I'm in the spa area. I can't take him in there, so Dannie takes him. She'd fallen in love with him and kindly offered to watch him while I work. As I knew they would, I get a lot of looks from the guests when I'm walking around the hotel. But I don't care, I just shrug it off and get on with my job. I'm doing the best I can for my baby. I have to, nobody else will. This was my decision. I was the one who'd chosen to go alone. Trust me, it's scary as hell, but I'm managing. My parents still don't talk to me and it's not like I've not tried. I tried to tell them they were now grandparents, to a beautiful baby boy. Yet when I told my dad, he hung up the phone. Before he did, he said to never call again. It hurt so bad. I just had a baby on my own and hearing his words tore me apart. I had to sit and watch the other mothers that gave birth with their families. I watched on while they cooed and awed over their babies. It became too much, and I pulled the curtain to hide my tears. I did get one visitor though. Karah came to see me, but I was terrified in case she noticed how much he looked like her dad. Yet if she did, she said nothing. Just knowing I've done this, and she doesn't know he's her brother, is tearing me apart. I can't cope with the guilt, so again. I've made no attempts to contact her. I miss her and our crazy days out, and movie nights. I miss our silly texts. I miss my best friend, and I can't do anything about it.
So, what did I name my baby? Well, I would've gone with Cade Junior, but that would've been disastrous. They'd know for sure what happened between us. So no, I didn't name him after his father. I named him Jamison-Isaac Harper... Jamison, just because I like it, and Isaac after my grandpa. He was my mother's dad, and he was a church lover too, only not as strict as my dad. Does Cade know he has a son? Yeah, he knows. Of course, he's still to see him. Though, I'm sure Karah would've shown him a picture. I wasn't pleased with her taking it, but what could I do? I'd look a right bitch if I told her not to take any pictures. It would make me look strict as hell. Not to mention, suspicious. I just hope she doesn't look too hard. She's bound to see it, eventually. Hell, you can't miss it. He's his double.
My baby is getting so big now, and the more he grows, the more he looks like his father. Seeing how much he looks like him breaks my heart. I feel so guilty. It's eating me up inside. He should be able to get to know his father and who he is. Only because of the damage it would cause, I can't say shit! He's only a few months old, so he really has no clue. But still, I know, and it's tearing me up. Sometimes, I wish I could open my mouth and tell the world who his daddy is. Sadly, I can't because I'm terrified of the consequences it would bring down on us. I can't place my son in that position. It would be selfish of me. But then again, it's selfish not to either. This is my sin to bear. It's my punishment for my involvement in all this mess. I'm paying the ultimate price and more for what I've done. I probably deserve more, but I seriously doubt I'd survive it. I'm barely coping now, but I have to stay strong for my baby. I'm all he has.