Citrus: Mei's Story vol. 7 - Examined Heart

I. So Close to Happiness

       "Mm... Mei... I love you..."
       Yuzu was in bed with a pillow where I had previously been laying into her arms. We still had hours before we had to be up for school, but I couldn't sleep. I just sat on the edge of our bed and thought back to the night before and the ring she had placed on what was traditionally considered the place for a wedding ring in several cultures. Just seeing it on my finger filled me with so much happiness, and yet...
      Why does it feel like my heart is going to explode?
       There was a pain that grew as I thought back to exactly what she had said. It could have been seen as a proposal if she didn't get nervous and backtrack until I cut her off. It wasn't ever going to be a proposal in the type that we needed for Grandfather to be satisfied, but still I wished she didn't still feel like she had to hedge her bets particularly after telling her that she should be confident in her feelings. But it didn't make sense that I was so happy and yet it wasn't nearly enough to satisfy me. This whole thing just made me conflicted on how best to progress. I couldn't be the one to tell her that we could go public. In fact with Grandfather's restrictions and Mother wanting me to let Yuzu decide on that score, the only option seemed to act like I would be against it. To pretend to be scared and hope she decided to be brave. That felt impossible around her. She made me want to take chances. Not just to stand up for myself and the relationship, but to really go for the wildest parts of my dreams. And yet, I felt like the clock had just started ticking down from one hundred. Now that I knew she wanted the same future that I did for our relationship, there didn't seem like I had enough time to wait.
         I need her. Not just at home or in private. I need her with me always. I can't keep doing this like it's a casual walk. It'll kill me to keep holding back when I can see she is too. I love her too—
         I felt a hand brush my leg and looked back to see that Yuzu had flopped closer in her sleep and seemed to be wanting my body in her arms. I let out a sigh and decided not to focus on all the problems in my mind. Sliding back under the covers I moved back into my spot and felt Yuzu wrap herself around me as my consciousness melted in her warmth.
         I didn't wake up until the alarm was going off for one of our last days before summer break would begin. Unfortunately with the morning came the realisation that I couldn't just do what I wanted. I couldn't wear the ring in public. Not only would Mother react, but so would everyone else. Especially when they would see that I wasn't the only one and that Yuzu's matched mine. It would go out of control, and I would be unable to be the one to take charge. It would all be pushed on her shoulders. In the face of such a chaotic moment, she'd rightly panic like with her old friends. She'd either lie or try to excuse it and then hate herself. I couldn't let that happen to her. I couldn't stand by and let her struggle alone.
       The walk over to where the ring box lay open on the desk felt like I was marching towards a prison cell. Even though I had gained so much freedom, I kept finding myself in a new cage. Though it hurt me to be parted from Yuzu's gift, I wasn't going to let my selfishness end up making Yuzu do something she would later regret and giving my Grandfather any inclination that Yuzu and I were being frivolous. And so I found myself just about to slip my precious ring off my finger when I heard Yuzu's groggy and adorable morning voice.
      "Uh..."
      I froze.
     "Mei..."
     I'm sorry. I know this doesn't look good, but it's for the best for now.
      I looked back at her. Her golden hair was tied in two low tails over either shoulder except where the bed and her movements in the night had freed some of the strands. The morning light glistened off her hair as though she shown with divine light. It would have been a beautiful sight if she wasn't sitting straight up in bed while clutching her blanket to her and staring at me with concern in her emerald eyes.
      "You're..."
      Please don't look at me like that...
       "Not gonna wear your ring?"
       I felt my heart twist as I heard the pain in her voice, but I had to push forward. Either she'd make a stand and show that she's ready for that kind of public relationship, or I'd be the one not wearing the ring and she'd be spared being put on the spot. If it was to protect her, I could stand not doing what I longed to do.
       "Of course not. I can't wear it to school."
       I'm not you. I don't wear any jewellery at school and only wear earrings when at functions with Granfather but they're simple. If I wear a ring, especially an obvious wedding band, they will all notice and it wouldn't take long to realise it matches yours.
       However, she quickly climbed out of bed.
       "But you said..."
        And rushed over to me to make her case.
        "That from now on, we're going to do what we want!"
        I couldn't meet her eyes and that's when I felt her grab my arms.
        "They only work as a symbol of our love if both of us wear them!"
        That's the problem, you're not the only person who will be able to see that. Are you really ready for that?! If so, tell me right now that you want everyone in school to know.
         "For now..."
         I detached myself from her grip and started sliding the ring off.
         "What I want to do..."
         This might be a little too dramatic, but by now she should be secure enough not to see it as a rejection of her.
         "Is this."
         I pulled the ring off in front of her as if daring her to tell me to put it back on. It wasn't even subconscious, I wanted her to tell me to put it back on. She flinched at the motioned and instead of taking charge, she whined.
        "What the heck?!"
         Come on, Yuzu... I want to be open about us too, but it means nothing if I tell people. It has to be you. If you go public then we're closer to Grandfather being forced to accept us. Tell me you want our relationship public so I can show off your present.
          "It's true."
           I clutched the ring to my heart and hoped Yuzu could see how much it meant to me.
          "Yesterday, I did say that our relationship wasn't anyone else's business."
          And I'll stand by that and want you to actually do it too. And so please... disagree with me right now!
       "But that doesn't mean I want to make a public proclamation to the world."
        I want to not hide things, but I can't be the one to put us like that. If someone else saw us being together, that's one thing. You need to be the one to announce it. So if you say that you're ready for that, I'll listen.
       "I see..."
        I could see the wheels turning in her mind and for a moment my heart began to pound with hope that she was going to say that she was going to make a public display. It only lasted a moment though as Yuzu then slipped off her own ring and put it in the ring box as well.
       "So that means..."
       I was stunned. I didn't even try to convince her to do that, and my own statements had been paper thin at best. So I wasn't prepared for her to just agree so easily or to even decide to do the same thing. Yet here she was smiling so adorably as she lifted up the ring box to show that she was joining me in this particular deception.
     "Our romance will be a secret between the two of us!"
      She even giggled and sounded so coy as she said the very opposite of what I had expected her to say. I just stared at her as she set the ring box down, spun on her heels and almost skipped out of the room as she called back.
      "Okay, breakfast time! I'm going to make your favourite!"
      How can you be so happy right now?! Aren't you wanting to be married to me as I hope to marry you? Didn't you get these rings so we could show them off?
       I watched her disappear from our room and turned back to the ring box. Just seeing it filled me with a longing that I couldn't suppress. I reached out, took my ring from its place in the box, slid it back onto my left ring finger, and stared at it.
       I, Lady Aihara Mei, promise to love my wife, Aihara Yuzu, and her alone. To obey and support her from now until the last day we live. This is the second vow I place on my heart. I belong only to Yuzu and will accept no others.
     I was about to pull out and kiss Yuzu's ring when I heard her voice behind me.
      "Oh yeah!"
       I stiffened and all my instincts told me either play dead or run but I didn't move.
       "Mei?"
       I turned my head so she knew I was listening but used my body to hide that I was wearing the ring.
       "During our date over summer break..."
        I didn't know we had one planned out already.
        "We can wear them then, right?"
        Her voice was full of nervous hopefulness and a childlike excitement that I was once more stunned at the situation.
       "I..."
        I was lying, I want to be public. No, I need to be public with you. Not just because of Grandfather's rules, but because I want everyone to know that I am your girlfriend and that I love you and plan to be with you.
       I wanted to say that. I almost did say that. But I was forced not to. I clutched the rings to my chest as I spoke.
      "I suppose that's alright."
      "Yaaay! Thank you!"
      Don't thank me! Fight me on this! I'm a push over for you right now and you're not even going to try?!
      "I can't wait!"
      She excitedly left the room again and I deflated in a miserable sigh.
      "What on earth am I doing?"
      I shouldn't be the one helping my grandfather get his way. I want to be with her and yet I can allowing her to be a coward. I can't keep holding back... it'll kill me.
       I replaced Yuzu ring, closed the ring box, and kept my ring. I couldn't wear it, but I wanted it close. So I looped Sara's charm around the gold band and slipped it into one of my vest pockets. Then taking a deep breath, I walked out to join Yuzu for breakfast.