Citrus: Mei's Story vol. 7 - Examined Heart

IV. An Enlightening Conversation

Idiot! Of course that's her reaction, you slow-witted addle-minded idiotic little girl! This is Yuzu, her emotional threshold isn't that deep. That means she can't hide her emotions, but also that she can become easily overwhelmed by them if it happens too quickly. We know this. We dealt with it before. That's not a rejection of our desire it's just her natural reaction to being over stimulated.
Even as I berated myself mentally I instinctively reached out as if to stop her, but she was already gone. My heart was pounding and aching in my chest and it drove me to almost collapsing as I clutched at the ring.
It's alright, Mei. We can handle this pain. Just remember that no matter what she clearly loves you. She's not going to throw you away. Yes she ran, but that wasn't because she was leaving you. She just needs a little time to calm down.
That was enough to help me put a leash on my own emotions. I rose to my feet and took a deep breath.
I will let her meet up with everyone, and make my way calmly. That ways she has time to breathe. Then when I meet up with everyone, I'll just walk right up to her and kiss her myself with the ring clearly visible.
It wasn't at all a cunning plan, but it was something unexpected and more like Yuzu than like me. I just had to hope it wouldn't cause her to freak out too much to cause a scene. But before I could make a move, an ethereally beautiful voice called out from behind me.
"Aihara Mei."
Right, Maruta's nemesis likely saw us.
I turned to her and was surprised to see that she looked surprisingly spectral instead of the etherealness I had seen the entire night. This gaunt girl stood there and for the first time, I didn't see her eyes. It suddenly struck me that I was standing in front of someone that Maruta had run from despite being the older person.
"Lady Shiraho?"
She walked over towards me slowly as she spoke.
"I must set aside my pride..."
At those ominously spoken first words, I felt my stomach turn. I had wanted her to out us like she did with Maruta. This felt like it was going to be a private confrontation and she looked like she might know how to handle herself in a fight. I tensed as she came closer.
"And ask you something."
Here we go...
I stared at her as I readied for the storm that I was certain was coming. I was not prepared for how she started.
"Ever since that day I first saw you..."
What are you talking about?
"You're all I've been able to think about."
Was this how you were with Maruta?
"My desire to know you..."
She stopped walking towards me and folded her hands in front of her as she continued.
"Grows with each passing day."
When is the other shoe going to drop?
"Your heart was the only one I could not read. It drove me crazy."
No kidding, you are scaring me right now.
"It seemed like those painful days would never end."
Her voice cracked a little as she spoke and it gave me pause. I had been ready to be confronted about whatever she might have seen. She had hounded Maruta in middle school before seeing what she was up to and then outing her with her report. That's the Suzuran I was expecting. This sounded like something else entirely.
"And then I met Yuzupon..."
Hearing you call my lover that is very disconcerting right now.
"And had the opportunity to get close to you."
This isn't the first time I've heard someone talking like this...
"And I thought that my days of obsessing over you were near their end. Soon I would be able to figure you out!"
And then what? Would you have tried to destroy me like you did Maruta? Or maybe you wanted something else... like the men from before I was saved by Yuzu? Is that where you're going? Are you planning on attacking me now?
"That's what I thought..."
My heart pounded in terror as all the times someone had said something like that had then gone on to rape or try to rape me flooded into my consciousness. I was ready to run the moment she made her move. But that didn't happen. Instead she nearly collapsed to the ground and started weeping uncontrollably. Through her tears she spoke.
"But the closer I get..."
The more my heart hurts.
"The more my heart hurts."
I stared at the girl. I stared at myself if I had never interacted with Yuzu but just kept an eye on her. I stared at the tears I would have shed if Yuzu had never confessed. I stared at a distorted but innocent mirror of my own emotions. And I knew in that moment that Maruta had been wrong. Suzuran was so lost in her emotions that she probably had no idea what she was feeling. It was tearing her to shreds.
"Please answer me, Aihara Mei!"
Ask your question...
"What is this obsession..."
You poor girl, I'm sorry.
"I have with you?"
It struck me hard at that moment just how much alike we were. I felt horrible about what she was going through and that I was going to likely break her heart.
"Hm..."
You deserve to know what you did accomplish, but I'm sorry for what will happen after that.
"I have long struggled to decipher why my heart and mind have been so confused lately."
I don't just want to be with Yuzu, I want to live the rest of my life by her side.
"And thanks to you, Lady Shiraho, I finally understand."
The reason I'm getting so needy and clingy is because I'm afraid of losing her more than anything else. I would abandon any dream if she wasn't there with me. So I don't care if we're outed by some random person or if I upset Grandfather. I want to find out what the options are for surrogacy. I want to see what our granddaughter will look like and have her be our granddaughter. I want Mother and Naruka and Father to have to decide where we take our children for family vacations. I want to have a job that forces me to be with her every day. And when we die together of old age, I want them to use the same stone for us and place it next to her father's. If we're cremated, I want my ashes mixed with hers. There is no one else and will never be anyone else for me. I felt it back on the train from Kyoto. I felt it when she gave me the ring. I understand exactly what it means now. I'm not just attracted to Yuzu, nor do I just love her with something that would ever fade...
I took a breath and looked Suzuran right in the eye as I spoke.
"Lady Shiraho, you..."
Matsuri, I apologise for never paying attention to your insults about us. You were always right. I am so in love with Yuzu that it drives me insane and makes me idiotic. No one else will ever be loved like how I love her.
"Are in love with me."
I gave her the most regretful sympathetic look I could. I was never going to return her feelings. I had already made two vows to Yuzu and I intended to honour them both. Suzuran was just going to have to confront her feelings and try to move forward.
Suzuran's tears stopped and she looked shocked as she straightened back into her perfect posture.
"That's..."
Her voice was shaky and yet it was back to sounding ethereal and detached from her emotions.
"That's interesting!"
She wasn't laughing, but the way her voice was shaking and bounced made me think she was actually laughing but not making it audible. It was as if I just told her the secret to happiness was by smiling.
"Yes, that's very interesting, Aihara Mei!"
Not as interesting when you hear my response.
"To think you can say such a thing..."
That's not even the worst thing I've said or done in this type of situation...
"So brazenly to someone who has more or less just confessed to you."
Then you're going to be amazed at how brazen my response is going to be when it comes down to that.
"I always thought you were not human..."
Hearing someone like her, with her unnatural beauty and ethereal presence, say that caused me to quickly look back over my entire life to see what she saw that I didn't. It seemed impossible. Almost as impossible as what she said next.
"So perhaps you are a god, or some other higher being."
I'm not the god here, that's...
And suddenly I could have laughed. She was so like me it was actually funny. And I bet in this one thing she was also like Yuzu. Ever since Yuzu confessed to me I thought of her as a deity just like Suzuran was thinking of me. It was easy to imagine that Yuzu thought the same of me. I had put my girlfriend in the presence of gods and then said I was unworthy. Now Suzuran was doing the same, and I knew that this was what Yuzu had done too and was why she easily accepted the idea to be secret. But the reality was: I was worthy the minute she confessed to me, and she was worthy the second I accepted. Suzuran was worthy but I wasn't going to accept. I suddenly felt a bit shy so I looked away and fixed my hair near my left ear as I spoke.
"I..."
I'm a shadow, Yuzu is a light. But that doesn't make us special to anyone else but each other.
"Am just a girl."
Same as Sara, and Yuzu, and even you, Suzuran.
I glanced back over as saw Suzuran stare in disbelief.
"I think that part of you..."
Please...
"Is what I've fallen for."
Forgive me for what I'm about to say.
Before a moment passed, I gave her my answer.
"I'm sorry, Lady Shiraho, but I cannot accept your confession."
"Perhaps with time—"
I cut her off with a shake of my head and made it clear what I was saying.
"No, I will never be able to accept your love or reciprocate it."
"I see..."
I can't just leave it there. Especially not now. I need to do something that only I can do, but I will need her help.
"Do you have a phone?"
She reached into her bag a pulled out a phone. Her expression and intonation had once more become that of the ethereal being she had appeared as when we first met. However cracks were now noticeable and I could tell she was nervous and heartbroken but pushing forward.
"I do. If you want, I could arrange to be picked up here so that I wouldn't inconvenience you."
"No, I want you to call Yuzu."
She crooked her head like a pet confused by it's owner.
"Yuzupon?"
"Yes, tell her that you and I have something to discuss and she shouldn't wait for us."
She nodded and quickly operated her phone. It was a moment before Suzuran started talking.
"Ah, is this Yuzupon?"
She looked at me as though she wanted to ask me a question but instead she spoke to my girlfriend.
"I'm with Aihara Mei right now."
"Huh?"
Suzu pulled her phone away from her head a split second before I heard Yuzu's understandable shock. After all Yuzu had been with me until shortly before Suzuran's appearance. It was only a second before Suzuran returned to the call as if nothing had happened.
"The two of us have something to discuss..."
Her gaze flicked to me and once more I felt as though she was attempting to analyse me.
"So please tell everyone not to wait for us."
As soon as she finished speaking she hung up her phone and gave me her full attention. Now that we were likely to be alone, I decided to indulge something that was bothering me since hearing what I thought was a confrontation turn into a love confession.
"Lady Shiraho, I'm not the first person who made you feel this way, am I?"
Suzuran sighed and recomposed herself.
"You are not."
"What happened?"
She remained standing as though at a ceremony and kept her face expressionless.
"I assume you know who it was, yes?"
"The former secretary of the student council, Maruta Kayo."
She didn't even blink at the name.
"Then you already know."
"Something about it doesn't fit to me, so I want to hear your side."
I motioned over to the steps of the nearby building and we took a seat. Suzuran took a deep breath and started to tell me her side of the events.