I lost someone who meant the world to me because of my own selfish ways and mistakes
I'm not as okay as I pretend to be, I really really try to be happy , and to be alright so that no one needs to worry so that no one need to check up so that people can come to me with whatever they need so that I can make their lives easier , but sometimes I need someone you know someone that can just hold me when it gets dark and heavy in my head and body, just someone to be there , but I don't know how to ask for it ? I don't know how to ask someone to love me, when I don't love myself , when I don't believe I'm lovable or worthy of anyone really staying in my life. I believe I only deserve to be loved when I'm doing something or someone else or if I'm making that person proud or happy otherwise I don't think I just deserve it. And I don't know how or why I feel like this but these thoughts, are facts now that live in side my head and heart and remind me that whenever anything with anyone is going to well , I will 100% do something that will fuck it up and make them leave and I honestly won't be surprised, I'd be more surprised and confused if someone decide to stay , like you know actually stay with me even after I do the most horrific things or say or disappoint them to the point that anyone would leave , but instead they stay ... i honestly hate that I'm like this , I hate every ounce of my being most days and I know that's a dramatic statement to make but it's true or at least it's what I believe to be true, and I haven't been able to convince myself otherwise... I haven't really heard someone speak about the pain and hurt you carry when you hate yourself, I guess it's because it would probably make people uncomfortable or they would try and say something that they think wouldn't make you hate yourself ... but it's honestly one of the heaviest burdens to carry in my opinion, it's simple things like being unable to look to the mirror because the second you do you start to pick yourself apart and I honestly don't have the energy for that most days... or it's the thought that constantly run through your head , like you'll never be good enough , no really likes you , you take up too much space , you being yo loud , you always make the wrong choices , no matter how hard you try no one will truly like you , it's better if you weren't around them and they most of the time start to fill up to the point where you think that at any moment you are going to drown , it feels like you are drowning and fight for air the whole time , fighting to just be worth of being able to take a breath and just be present to your full capacity and allow yourself to be loved and heard by the people around you and sometimes you do win amount were the self hated leaves but it's never for too long.
