The new Heeler

A new beginning

I sat in the back of the social workers car, head resting tiredly against the seat and sleep forming on the inner corners of my eyes. Barely able to stay alert after the hours of driving. The scenery was colourful, the world alive. But I was exhausted after the days behind me, I had spent the last three nights sleeping on a sofa in an office building while safeguarding officers and managers brought me toast and tea. Making idle conversation, tiptoeing around the events prior, the reason I was sleeping in a social workers office rather than in a bed. Nobody wanting to pick at the fresh wound.

This wasn't the first time this had happened, and it likely wouldn't be the last. The system wasn't built for me, every carer I had ever had wasn't the namesake. The second my autism or my mental health became even a whimper of difficult I was deemed a villain. A problem case. And usually exiled by the weeks end. Though this one had been particularly difficult. I don't understand what I did. Why people treat me this way. Why I can't get better.

I closed my eyes, listening to the sound of the radio and car engine singing together in harmony. Traffic. People on the street. Claire, my social worker, chimed in shortly after, the first time she had spoken to me in hours

"Sookie....sookie ?"

I opened my eyes and met her gaze in the rear view mirror, mustering what half smile I could and making a joke "no, I don't have to pee. If you do, you can just pull over. You don't have to ask me every time"

She laughed "Well, actually, I do need to use the bathroom. But that isn't what I was going to say. I was going to say, we'll be arriving soon. After the next pit stop, we're about an hour away"

I feigned enthusiasm "that's great"
Which was met with a disheartened sigh as she stood still at a red light then turned back to look at me with a sympathetic smile

"Sook...I know your other placements haven't ended well. And I know you don't think you're ever going to meet the right people and feel like a family....I know its hard" she paused for a second, as if waiting for me to agree. Something I would never do out loud "But I have hope for this one. They seem really nice"

I waited a few seconds, before answering. Trying to think of what she could possibly have wanted me to say to that. I shook my head a little, looking down at my phone to avoid the eye contact "You say that every time"

"This time-" she turned back to put her hands on the wheel and go on green "I mean it, honey. They have two other kids, one 4 and one 6. You love kids, and it will give you some company"

I laughed a little, properly this time, and sarcastically remarked "Oh yeah, because I can really talk problems and boys with a 6 year old"

She laughed a little too "You know what I mean...just, give it a chance okay. There is still good in the world. Good People. Who knows"

I nodded, and then closed my eyes again, laying my head back into place. I desperately wanted to believe her, that there was still goodness even in an ocean of evil. That there was still some hope that I might find a place where I could genuinely be loved and valued and accepted. That there was a world in which I had parents that cared for me unselfishly. But I had yet to experience someone caring about me at all. Let alone unselfishly. I wanted it so badly, I wanted to be heald. I wanted to be comforted. Most days I felt like a baby, who was yet to develop the ability to speak. Who could only express their pain and fear and discomfort through screaming and tears.

Without opening my eyes, I asked her "So....what are their names"

She perked up again, seeming happy that I was showing any interest at all. "The Dads name is Bandit, He's an archaeologist. He works from home most days, so when you're not at school you'll have someone keeping you company!! The mum is called Chilli, she works in the airport doing security. The youngest is called Bingo and the older one is called Bluey, apparently they both gave real personalities" she laughed a little "i think there's a file on them, just under the seat there. Have a look"

I became alert again, sitting up and reaching under the drivers side seat pulling out a beige folder and opening it up. Inside was a picture of the family, I pulled it out and paused for a second as I looked at it. The dad, Bandit, was tall and broad chested. 6'6 with dark hair and olive skin, face plastered with a wide toothy smile. His arm was wrapped around the mum, Chilli. She was shorter than him, she didn't look much taller than me, maybe 5'4. Her chestnut hair was short and curly, she had freckles scattered across the apples of her cheeks and a round nose. Infront of them were their two young daughters, both dressed in Haloween costumes. Bluey the older of the two looked alot like her dad, Curly shoulder length dark hair and rosey cheeks, she was dressed in a superhero costume and standing in a superman pose grinning. Bingo, the youngest, was wearing a princess costume. Her hair, a slightly lighter chestnut than her mums, was tied in two braided plaits either side of her head.

I hadn't been to a house with younger children before, Claire had gotten that right, I had always loved kids. Seeing them playing always made me happy, I used to wish on every star I saw in the sky for a little sister or brother. Someone who I could protect or play games with. Someone to colour with, or play dress up. Looking at the picture that was pressed between my fingers, they genuinely seemed...Happy.

Most other houses I had been placed in were inhabited by carers who had long lost their zest for life. Ones who only really wanted me there for the paycheck. Their sadness and anger usually getting taken out on me every time they had a bad day. But these didn't look like that kind of people. It ignited something in me, something I'd never say out loud. But maybe it was a spark of real hope. That maybe they weren't just happy in pictures. Maybe I was going somewhere that I could feel safe in. I didn't know how to feel.

I slipped the picture back into the file, and scanned the other pages. Information about their house, my new school. Claire pitched in once more as we pulled into what was maybe out hundredth pit stop of the trip "I think this will be good for you"

I smiled "maybe it will be"