IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOU

| EPILOUGE |

LOUIS

-IN THE MIDDLE OF A HALLWAY OF A HIGHSCHOOL IN LONDON-

„You're Louis Tomlinson, aren't you?"

I turn around in surprise and force myself to stop talking to Liam, Niall and Zayn to nod my head with a frown and look at the about 40 years old woman, I never ever saw before.

„Yeah, I am. Who are you?"

She gulps and looks down at the black notebook in her hands.

„I'm Harry's mother. Harry Styles. He . . . He commited suicide last week. I'm sure you heard of it already. I might have something that you should read sometimes when you're in private. It seems like you meant a lot to him although my darling never told me anything about you. He only mentioned a Louis Tomlinson who was part of his class. You were classmates."

I indeed know Harry. Or better say, I know his name, his voice and what he looks like but I don't know anything else about him.

No one does. He never talked to anyone.

„We never talked. I can't imagine I meant anything to him. Maybe I'm the wrong Louis Tomminson."

Mrs Styles shakes her head and looks me directly in the eyes.

„I'm pretty sure it's you. Please, read what he wrote about you. I want to do what Harry was too scared of doing."

The boys already look at me weirdly and I quickly shake my head in confusion.

„What do you mean?"

Mrs Styles presses the notebook into my hand and sadly smiles at me.

There's so much pain and fear in her eyes. Pain because her son died and fear of what the future will be like.

„Please, just read his notes. I'm sure you'll understand."

With that, she turns around and walks down the hallway of our highschool and disappears in a crowd of students.

„What the hell just happened?!"

Zayn looks at me in anger while Liam and Niall look at me in shock and confusion.

„All I know is that I won't the read the notes. Harry can't have adressed them to me. We never even talked to each other."

Niall shakes his head and pressed the hand that holds the notebook to my chest where my heart is.

„You should read them, Louis. I do think he would want you to read them. He often looked at you during lesson. Maybe he had a crush on you? Or even more than that?"

I look at Niall and feel my heart warm up and stomach flutter.

„Burn that stupid book, Louis. Styles was a faggot all along. I knew it. He's so fucking disgusting."

Liam slaps Zayn's upper arm and looks at him in anger.

„You're disgusting for saying that. Everyone can do and love whoever they want."

I remain silent while Niall, Liam and Zayn start an argument about Zayn's statement that Harry is disgusting for beeing gay. Or better say was.

- - -

-AT HOME, IN BED-

It's 1 am and I can't sleep because all I think about is Harry and his notebook i placed on the nightstand right next to me but I'm too scared of reading the notes.

Did I really meant something to him? Did he really have feelings for me?

1:06. I won't read the notes.

1:13. It'd be wrong to read them.

1:21. I couldn't have meant something to him.

1:28. I'll never know if I won't read them.

1:34. I'll read them.

- - -

-AT A GRAVEYARD IN LONDON-

It's half past seven and I watch the beautiful sunset while walking down the alley to Harry's grave.

I stop right infront of it and gulp while trying to not break out in tears again just now.

„Hi, Harry. I brought you flowers. Blue and green one's because of our eye colours. I always adored your eyes. I adored everything about you since the day I first saw you. I hope you like them. I hope it's okay for you that I read your notes. Your mother gave them to me. I'd lie if I say they didn't mean anything to me. If I'd be honest, they made me cry so hard because I feel the same for you. I'm madly in love with you since the day I first saw you. We never talked to eachother but I know you were an astonishing person. I'd have loved to get to know you. What you liked and what you didn't like . . . everything about you. But unfortunately, it's too late now. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you but I was scared. I am scared they won't accept me, you and us and call us disgusting. Zayn said you're disgusting because you're gay and it hurt so much when he said it. He's so indescribable wrong. It's not disgusting to be gay in general and you're not disgusting because of loving the same gender. I promise you, I'll fight for acceptance. I'll tell them about my feelings for you. I'd love to tell you how I feel about you in person but . . . that's not possible anymore and I'm so so so so indescribable sorry for being so stupid and scared. I regret it so so so so indescribable much, you can't even imagine how much I do. I was so stupid and . . . you too, I guess. But it's okay. We can't change anything anymore because you're away now. Up there in heaven. I hope you're safe and happy. I miss you very much. I'll visit your mom today and talk to her and tell her about us. I hope it's okay for you. Well, you can't answer me so I guess it is. We'll meet again, I promise. We'll smile at eachother, laugh together, talk to each other, kiss eachother and touch each other. But don't worry, we'll only do the things you want to do. Maybe it's sooner than you think. We'll see when and how my life will end. Until then, my love. I love you. It's always been you."

With that, I lay down the flowers on Harry's tomb and sadly smile at the writing on the gravestone before breaking down and letting the tears fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks.

I feel a hand touch my shoulder and I look up to meet Harry's mom's teary eyes.

‚You wanted love and you found it but you were too stupid to see. Rest in peace. We'll never forget you. You'll always have a special place in our hearts. We love you and we always did. We promise.'