I was out on the deck, looking at the night sky with a bunch of stars covering it. it was quiet, the breeze was cold. A lot has been on my mind since then... since that day. I try to forget that day, but it keeps coming back and hunting me. I wouldn't say I like having these thoughts.... these feelings of self-hatred, no hope, just darkness, and emptiness. I've never been truly happy, never once in my entire life. I guess that's not entirely true I was happy when I met the man, I fell in love with..."fell" is funny everything has fallen since I met him. But I'm still with him because I truly love him more than anything...at least that's what I keep telling myself. I got out of my thoughts until I heard a voice. "you're unhappy darling..." " hmm" I said turning around meeting the handsome man's face and making eye contact with him. "No, I'm not unhappy, I'm just thinking. there's a difference." he looked away for a second then back at me "But you're thinking about unhappy things. Are you not?" I looked down and took a sigh. "So, what if I am, it's not like the world is a happy place. Not everyone can have hope as you do." it got quiet for a second, the crickets outside were making a sweet melancholy melody just down below. " I only have hope because my future with you is going to be amazing, well get to have a family, a big house. things we wanted for a long time," he said holding my hands, his hands were soft and warm like his heart, but my hands were cold and felt empty. The look in his eyes was so happy and full of life, you can see everything HE wanted. when my eyes were tired, dark, lifeless. Nothing was there, no future no nothing, just a failure of a human being. I always wanted to be in his point of view, I wanted to know what he truly thinks of me instead of saying the thing that he thinks I want to hear. what he thinks would make me happy, I've wanted to know what he truly feels deep inside about me. I would ask him " how do you feel about me? be honest, like your real feeling towards me?" he would say the same things has been saying to me for years " I love you" and " I cherish you more than anything." "I want to be with and only you," he says the same things to me since I first met him at first the smile was real and heartwarming, but now it's fake...it's not real...not anymore. " I don't want those things. I don't want a family, and I don't want a house." he looked at me with sadness "then what do you want darling?" I took a sigh and let go of my hands. And walked back outside and looked up at the sky, with tears forming. "I just want to be happy.... like truly happy instead of faking it." I heard footsteps walking closer to me "Do I not make you happy..." I turned to him to see tears falling from his face. I took one step closer to him " No... Not anymore."
