i chased away someone again. yea i was a b*tch on purpose and said hurtful things. i was being honest and truthful though. so why is the person i trust most and opened up to making me feel like a bad person? i asked a question and she lied. i wanted to her to just tell me the truth, that i was too harsh but at least my points were valid to a certain extent. so why lie and say something she clearly didn't mean. her real honest answer was literally hanging in the air. so what if i'm in my playing phase? it doesn't make sense for me to find something real, yea it'd be great if i could treat every person i was interested in as someone i'd date to marry. but there's no fucking point. how many people out there can honestly say that EVERY relationship they had they treated as someone they knew they wanted to marry? no many. because the truth is that we're all fucking young and the unknown is scary. we have no damn clue what we want, who we want. even the holiest person out there wouldn't be 100% sure of what they want in a person. there are people who found the love of their life and from the bottom of my heart i envy them, i wish them all the happiness they deserve. but i don't know what i want, i admit i live in my fantasies of finding someone i'll love, and my standards are higher than Mount fucking Everest because if you're gonna find someone to spend the rest of your life with then u better be sure as hell they you're not gonna regret your choice. so if im the bad guy for knowing what i don't want, for letting people know the truth about how i feel and what i think, then the people who rather sugarcoat and dish out "white" lies are obviously liars. i fully admit that the way i went about wasn't nice, but life isn't nice all the time, and whoever got reality shoved in their face deserves a wake up call.
yea i chased him away. for good reason. he served to know the truth didn't he. and i'm not his mom, why the fuck should i have to teach him basic fcking morals. life can teach him that. i obviously don't love him enough to stick with him, go through all the shame of being with someone racist and TEACH him how to be a human. i think it's enough that i told him straight that if he wanted to continue being like that then it's his problem. so what if he kena hurt b4? i've alson been hurt, and maybe that's why i'm being like this. maybe that's why i'm so harsh. cos i'm not the same girl who's gonna stand by and just let someone pressure me into feeling like i have to entertain their feelings and the chance of me maybe liking them back. if they can't handle this facade i have on, this bitchiness, what makes them think they can handle everything else? if all it took was this, and they ran away, then did they really like me the way they said they did? don't give me empty promises and honey coated words to woo me over just to be scared by a front that isn't who i am.
or maybe i am just a sick fuck who enjoys scaring others away. it's not like i really liked him. and i stated from the start that he wasn't gonna last. i saw it coming from a mile away that he wasn't what i wanted, so i left him while it was easy. i used the most basic and logical reason there was to leave him. and to be fair it didn't sound like he was gonna change that much for me. so why am i the bad guy? he doesn't know how to explain his feelings? i didn't even ask him of that yet. I ASKED YES OR NO QUESTIONS. i stand by the fact that i'm the bitch who doesn't deserve to be treated well, and maybe karma will get me. but i'm also a human who deserves the minimum.
