Learning Kim

One

Chapter 1

Chay used to love breakfast time with his brother, when the two of them were still living in their parents' house and had no money to buy anything but congee and rice. He was happy back then, didn't care about the simple food, but he cared even more about his brother's company. Chay enjoyed listening to Porsche's stories about the clients at the bar and about Yok. When they were done eating Porchay would go to school and Porsche would clean up and then go to bed to sleep for a bit. It was a simple routine, but a good one, one that felt like home and safety and love.

Everything is different now.

Now the table between the two brothers is stacked with everything one could ever want for breakfast: rice, bread, rolls, croissants and small cakes, three sorts of bread. There's fruit and vegetables, stir fry and meat, cheese, sausages, eggs and waffles. And still, Porchay yearns for the old days, when they were poor, but would talk to each other. When they were no secrets and no lies between them. They don't anymore, talk that is. They say good morning politely and then Porsche's whole attention is on the man beside him, Kinn, and the two of them talk and joke and whisper and flirt with Chay as a forgotten bystander on the other side of the table. Porchay and Porsche are fighting, yes, but it's been like this for way longer than their disagreement has been going on. The eruption and official silence came when Porchay told his brother about not going to school and not knowing what he wants to do with his life. The unofficial silence and lies have lasted for months longer than this, not that Porsche would ever admit to it.

It's been three months and Porchay still feels as lost as the day he made the decision to skip the second interview. He has no answers anymore to anything in his life, is still overwhelmed by all that has been raining down on him in recent months. Being abducted, Kim never giving a shit about him, his brother working for the mafia, Kim being the mafia, being uprooted into a palace of sorts, Kim trying to contact him again, seeing dead bodies at Yok's, Kim, his mother being alive, Kim, his brother becoming a mafia boss and Kim...and Kim... and Kim...Kim, always Kim. Even now, months later, Porchay is no closer to healing or forgiving or forgetting, whichever comes first, than he was months ago. He hasn't seen Kim since Kim sent him the video that he never replied to. Porchay's watched it, over and over, sometimes falls asleep to Kim's voice like he's singing him a lullaby. Porchay's still angry and still hurt, so so hurt, but he also misses Kim, misses him watching out for him, talking to him, laughing with him. He still doesn't know what to do about this, about Kim.

In his old life he would talk to Porsche about it and get some advice, but now his brother's advice is the last thing Porchay wants. It's also not an option, because his brother doesn't care about him or his problems any longer, because Porsche's singular focus is Kinn. It makes Porchay detest the other man, even though they have never really spoken to one another. Kinn is the guy who pulled Porsche into the mafia world, he is the guy Kim was worried about when he decided to use Chay and his childish crush on him. Kinn is the guy whose ex kidnapped Porchay, who now lives with his brother, whose father has their mother under his control and who now is the only person in this world who Porsche looks at or listens to. Porchay has not only been replaced by Kinn, he has been shoved to the side, been trampled on and then made to watch, like they enjoy rubbing his nose in the fact that Porsche doesn't need him anymore, hasn't really needed him at all. Porsche did his duty and then lied to his brother, abandoned him and Porchay is sure that if he just vanished now, Porsche wouldn't even notice. And neither would Kim. Not now, not anymore.

Porchay looks at them, observes quietly how his brother laughs at one of Kinn's bad jokes and wipes some powdered sugar off Kinn's lips. He used to do that for Porchay, but those days are gone.

"Good morning my loves." Tankhun walks in and sits down in his chair with the usual flourish.

"Morning Khun." Porsche and Kinn greet him back before they focus on each other once more.