Proverbs on 5th Block Lunch

             

           Another day, another Monday, where I go back into the continuous routine of school. I hate Mondays and I hate the fact that almost everyday is the same. The same people, the same classes, the same lunch groups, and the same blatant conversions.  I sometimes question if I should just leave my friends and start on finding new ones, but something is holding me back. It's not like I'll totally lose something if I leave them, I mean they're not really good friends to begin with, they always leave me out of conversations, parties, meetups, and calls. And for some reason I still tolerate them, as if what they're doing to me is ok and I'm the one who's overthinking the situation. Looking back at it now, I've always been in these types of situations, which makes me wonder if I choose the right friends, or if everyone is just unaware of their actions.
             Today, I plan on talking to my friends about this at lunch, but I'm not looking for reassurance and acceptance, instead I'm looking for realization and the hopes of acknowledgement. The reason why I'm doing this, is because I want to know if I'm not the only one feeling this way, and if somehow one of them are also hiding their feelings to fit in, or are going home feeling disgusted with themselves on the way they acted. Because feeling disgusted is how I feel everyday, and everyday I wonder if I'm slowly losing myself with remaining to be friends with them. Is it just my flaw of not having friends growing up, or am I staying with them for reputation and popularity? All I know is that for some reason I can't let them go, something is holding me back and I don't know why. I guess I might be too attached since we've all been friends since 5th grade, but why? Why do I continue to be friends with them and treat them so nicely, if they don't return the favor? I act as if they do nothing wrong, which in the long run isn't fair to me or them.
          They deserve the truth about how I feel, and containing my thoughts instead of speaking out will forever internally damage me. I'm tired of pretending that I care, and I'm tired of supporting their behavior. I suppose I can't judge, since I unfortunately join and support their actions, but I absolutely hate myself when I do. I know I'm not that type of person and yet I still act like a fool, a person so caught up in the spotlight that when they close the curtains, I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing. It's thoughts like this that make me think back to when it all changed, when I became a fool. Looking back, I always mention the memories of us all younger. I suppose it's because I like the idea of change, but how can you find change if you're so in denial?
               Reminiscing on who we once were, I come back to reality and find that I'm somewhat disappointed in how we turned out. The once happy, and unique people, have now turned into common, sad beings that I no longer recognize, and claim as friends. It seems the pressure of society has corrupted and destroyed my friends and I no longer want to be a part of it. But have they always been like this? Maybe we started being friends so early on that my younger self didn't even realize the mental corrosion slowly consuming me. All I know is that my mind must have been completely eroded to allow the lack of respect and love that friends should show. They constantly ask me for advice and repent at my rebuke, but since they refuse to listen when I speak and no one pays attention when I help, I in turn will laugh when disaster strikes them. Just as I was in the middle of thinking something interrupts me, in the faint background I hear, Ding, ding, ding. I wake up, I wake up to the sound of my teacher saying, Solomon? The bell rang for lunch. It's 1:23. Still having my eyes closed, I knew it was time to face the demon, he takes many forms, and in my case it's them.