life as a teenage girl

Chapter 1

let's make it a small introduction. my name is Niki I'm 13 years old and I'm "dating" a boy who means the whole world to me. you may ask why is the title of the book " so.. what is love again?"

because it's my first time falling in love, it's not liking someone at some point, I fell in love with this boy. if you google what love is, it would say, "Love is a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion, and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection, and trust" but is it actually what is happening between us?

you could say that we're dating, he never asked me to be his girlfriend but yes we're lovers hehe.

his name is twine, he's 13 years old. I'm a month older than him. I remember him explaining on which date he was born haha. he said that he was born on the 24th of December at around 12 o'clock which is basically the 25 of December and then he said something like " I'm Jesus basically "I was laughing so hard that time. he's also shorter than me but that doesn't matter. he's the most handsome boy I have ever seen and the sweetest person I have ever known. we just randomly started talking one day. he helped me through a lot and because of that he's my safe place, my home. this may sound cringe since I'm only 13 but trust me, my relationship with him is healthier than my parents lol. I remember the first time when we had our first conversation was about the game he was playing, he still plays it, he would post on his story about it and I would always end up being speechless at the end because that game seems impossible to play.

right now it's 2:48 am for me, I'm still waiting for his reply. he lives in Ukraine and I live in Georgia. sometimes I'm really scared about something happening to him. before meeting him I would complain about how I wasn't able to fall in love with anyone, well he changed it. we've been talking for 3 weeks but during those days and those conversations, I fell for him more and more. he said that he liked me back and after that, I became really clingy. it's not that I don't trust him, I'm just scared of losing him. I really love him, and losing him would destroy me. and the way he treats me, ahh I have never met anyone better than him. you know how you always got treated like shit, the someone comes into your life and makes you feel worthy but you still doubt their feelings towards you? that's what's happening to me right now. every time someone liked me it would end up as a joke at the end. it kinda traumatized me, since it's always been only my " looks" and that's it. I got used to being treated like that.

duo to trauma that I've had in the past I stopped talking completely which really affected me. damage to the brain or speech muscles can leave a person mute. I've been trying to avoid that because I got to the point where my voice just came out as a whisper. no one talks to me at home, my grandma that raised me is in hospital, my mom lives out of town, dad works all day and never calls nor does he live with us. I'm with my aunt but she's not home until 8 so yes I'm alone mostly. this really affects me too. it's not like I have no one to talk to, I don't feel like talking to anyone, and because of that, I'm scared that I would end up in the same hole I was in the past. this book is not only about my love life, it's about my life in general how twine helps me go through everything, and what kind of an amazing human being he is. every chapter is one day of my life. today we talked a lot, I've been feeling like shit for the past few days but I don't really feel like trauma dumping to him, I don't want to worry him about stuff like that. I feel like I'm a very needy type of person, like in a bad way, it makes me so mad. I want him to think about me only and spend as much time with me as possible. no, I know this kind of mindset is really toxic, I swear I'll get rid of it. also, I'm very insecure and I have ADHD. I feel like sometimes he doesn't want to interact with me, usually the way he texts changes, like when he uses a lot of ' oh' or answers late. I mean I know he's busy, but for a little while, I need reassurance that it's not like that. I'm trying my best to get rid of all those insecurities that I have just to be normal and give him all the love that he deserves. right now I'm listening to ' friends - chase atlantics' almost tearing up for no reason. It's really fucked up, my mental health is damaged to the point where I can't process really basic stuff. okay that's all for today, see you tomorrow.