How Am I Supposed To Live Without You

Chapter One

Alora's POV:

January 1st, 2025

    There are some core memories that you will never forget how no matter how hard you try; the feeling when you get your first pet, the smell of fresh cut grass in the summer, the pain of losing your first tooth. For me, it's a pair of blue eyes and a smile full of crooked teeth. Holden Johns will always and forever be the core memory that brings me upmost joy and sorrow simultaneously. It's funny how that works. When someone is such a concrete part of your life that you cannot even remember what it's like to live without them.

    I've always been a dreamer. Whether it was playing with my dolls and giving them the family I wished for, talking to my imaginary friend, Carrie, or pretending I was traveling the world, my parents always told me that my imagination was overactive. As I grew up, this lovely trait was not limited to hypothetical or completely imaginary situations; I projected it into my future-specifically, my future husband. There has never been a day where I have not felt what it feels like to be in love with Holden Johns.

    I know, I know, that's crazy! There must be a time where I had a crush on another boy or was distracted from these intense feelings. Well, you would be wrong! I wouldn't believe it myself if I didn't have the journal entries to prove it. As a young child, I was diagnosed with anxiety and OCD, so my therapist encouraged the lovely coping skill of journaling. So, even though it is hardly legible, these lovely recounts of my innermost thoughts have been put to paper since I was five. Descriptions of summer days spent together at the park, winter evenings baking cookies and decorating gingerbread houses, and all the insignificant everyday interactions; nothing was missed in my scribbled, immature documentation.

As I have gotten older, my therapist has encouraged me to identify what in my life is in my control and what is not. It has been determined through our very thought provoking and heart wrenching discussions, that making Holden return my feelings is something that is very much out of my control. Yet, what I can control is keeping my memories alive, good or bad, and learning from them. So, periodically, I will pull out a journal, sometimes it's the red hardback one that is covered in silver hearts, other times its the binder full of loose leafed notebook paper, but each time the feeling is the same: safe, peace, home.

I've been told many times to "just move on" and that my "crush" will go away when someone better comes along. Well, I'm 26 years old and I am still waiting for that "someone better". I know, soulmates aren't immediate, but for the love of all things, could Holden just fall in love with me already!? I'm not naive and know that the probability of us ending up together now is very low since we grew up together and have known each other our whole lives without falling in love yet...at least, he hasn't. Sometimes I wonder what I need to do to get him to notice me, but then I realize, if I change myself for him, who am I? I guess I should figure that out first, huh.

I feel like my world is constantly in a cycle of normalcy and utter chaos. One day, I will be completely content, no thoughts or feelings of loneliness, accepting of my circumstances, the next, I will feel like my life is in absolute shambles, that I am falling behind in life and that there is no hope for me to find love and happiness. Maybe it's the anxiety, maybe it's the hormones; who knows.

Well, it has just turned midnight, so I guess I will mark the date on this page as January 1st, 2025, Another year. A blank slate. The year I believe Holden will either fall in love with me or crush my dreams; either way, I am eerily ready for whatever comes. Closure. That's what I need. Whether it is elation and joy that can only be described as being "on top of the world" or utter despair and heart wrenching pain of rejection...

I AM READY. I AM IN CONTROL. I AM ME. UNAPOLOGETIC. UNSTOPPABLE. FEARLESS (ok, maybe that's an exaggeration)

I can feel it. Something is going to change.