The letter's

Chapter 1

"I'm sorry he's gone," the doctor said lifting his stethoscope from my now deceased boyfriend's chest.

I stare at his dead body in disbelief, thinking this can't be happening, what went wrong, what have I done wrong? I collapse into the chair beside me continuing to stare at him.

I feel the shock starting to fade from my body and my chest begins to tighten and my breathing becomes quick and panicked.

"I can't breath," I say slowly gasping for small bits of air my cheeks feeling hotter and hotter by the minute my chest gets tighter and tighter slowly my lungs begin to feel like they are deflated, empty. I start to hyperventilate. I quickly put my hand over my mouth and begin to sob uncontrollably Grief consuming my body.

This can't be happening.

My boyfriend and I were alone, we moved away from our hometown, in hopes of building a future for ourselves, I thought we were happy. His parents died when he was a very young age and jumped from foster home to foster home but Luckily he managed to stay in school and graduate, he was working on getting his vet degree. I was shocked to find out he had killed himself.

How did I miss it? We lived together and spent so much time together, and I missed it.

"Do you have anyone you want to call?" The nurse comes in I haven't realized the doctor had left leaving me alone to grieve.

"Can you call my parents?" I ask her my eyes glazed over still staring at his dead body laying lifelessly on the hospital bed, I managed to dissociate myself from my body.

"Alright Hunny" she leaves then comes back with a paper and pen, I write down their phone numbers and she leaves the room.

I stare at my boyfriend's chest expecting it to start expanding and deflating. But nothing, he just, still.

I reached for his hand grabbed it and stroked the inside of his palm he felt colder, and I notice he was paler.

"I'm sorry I didn't see it" I whisper, I don't look at his face.

I continue to sit with him for a few hours until the doctor begins his questions about a funeral home. I ask him if I could speak about this tomorrow. The nurse had called my parents and said they would be on the next flight out and would be here in the morning.

He nodded and suggest I go home as they needed to take his body away. Then asked if he would like to call a taxi, as I was taken here by ambulance.

"Yes, thank you, doctor," I say in response to the taxi offer.

He calls the taxi and I head out of the hospital now waiting outside, the taxi pulls up and I hop in my eyes swollen and puffy I stare down at my hands thinking about how cold his hands were in mine. I tell the taxi driver my address and he pulls forward, I lean against the window and silently sob.

It's raining, how ironic.

The taxi stops in front of our apartment building, ours, a word ill never use anymore, it's now, just, mine.

"Thank you," I say paying the taxi man I open the door and step out slamming it behind me.

I stand in front of my apartment memories start flooding my head, the stairs in front of the building that me and my boyfriend went up while moving our things the couch that got stuck because it was too heavy to carry up the narrow steps.

That one couch, so many memories, in just one couch.

I walk up the steps unlocking the door once I'm in front of it and stepping into the building I head up to my apartment door and walk in, everything hits me.

I run to the bathroom quickly lifting the toilet lid and vomit. After throwing up this afternoons meal I lean back now sitting on the floor. I run my fingers through my hair lifting it into a ponytail and then stand up flushing the toilet once I'm standing and then walk to, our, bedroom, my bedroom. I lay on the bed curling up into a ball and falling asleep.