Comfort

Because nobody cares about me!

It was weird having this much of a view. Normally, Gerard couldn't see much of anything with his hair gathered in front of his eyes to block out the old scar, but since he had cut his hair, the world was his for the taking. He liked being able to see his friends when talking to them, his big feet so he didn't stumble, and the sun rising on his way to school. There had always been something missing, and Gray had helped him figure it out.

It was strange how much a haircut was making him think. Hardly anyone had pointed out the big ass scar on his face. It was incredibly freeing.

But being free had its costs.

He couldn't look at himself in the mirror. The memories of that time were far more painful than the injury that caused the scar stretching across his face. His thoughts were getting harsher and harsher towards himself, and they were, yet again, so close to ruining everything. He wanted someone to blame, someone besides himself, and that led him to Gray. It had been Gray who had encouraged him to cut his hair, who had offered to help him with anything that he may struggle with, and anything like it, but where was he now? There was a voice in the back of his head that cried out that Gray didn't know something was wrong because he didn't tell him. How was Gray supposed to help when he didn't know there was a struggle? The small boy had always struggled with social ques and emotions, both his own and others, so there was a very good chance he hadn't noticed if anything was wrong. That voice was often shushed.

It hadn't been too big of a problem, just him avoiding Gray or not really speaking to him when they were all hanging out, but it was starting to escalate. He was snapping back at anything he said, completely brushing off his attempts to make sure he was alright and ignoring him when he was talking directly to him. The others had even started to notice a difference, also starting to ask what was wrong. He couldn't give them a good answer.

Everything bubbled over, though, the night that Ben had a sleepover. No one called it that. They were cool teenage boys they would never have sleepovers, but they were all staying over at Ben's house, considering his parents and siblings weren't home. Gray was going to get there late with Eugene and Rowan, considering they all had Cram School. When filling in the rest of the group, Gerard found it rather annoying. Couldn't he have more to him than just studying? The others took note of his attitude and tried to leave it alone. It only got worse when Gray got there.

Everything hit its climax when they went to bed. It was late. They were all tired, and they needed at least a little bit of sleep. Ben, Alex, and Rowan crashed in Ben's room while Eugene, Gray, Teddy, and Gerard stayed in the guest room. Gray and Teddy shared a bed while Eugene and Gerard slept on the pull out couch in the corner of the room. Another thing Gerard found annoying, though he didn't mind sharing with Eugene. Everyone went to sleep after having a good time hanging out, and everything was fine and dandy until Gerard woke with a start and heavy breathing.

His nightmares had started to resurface after finding himself staring at his scar more and more often. The reminder of the pain, both physical and emotional, were hellish, and they were starting to materialize against once his eyes shut. He couldn't even remember what the dream had been about. He couldn't breathe. He threw himself out of the couch-bed and stumbled his way to the bathroom. He was sure he was being loud, often bumping into the wall, trying to get himself to calm down, but he was finding it harder and harder to do. When he finally reached the bathroom, flicking on the light and locking the door behind him, his eyes reached the mirror first. Zeroing in on the scar, he felt himself begin to fully hyperventilate as his eyes filled with tears. That stupid scar, stupid burn, stupid boy, and stupid friend. Why did he think running into a burning building was a good idea? Why would he think cutting his hair would change anything? The bathroom began to spin, yet the mirror stayed right in front of him, the boy that he used to be staring back. The boy he knew he couldn't ever be again.

A knock startled him out of the staring content, his tears finally beginning to fall. "Gerard?"

Of course, it just had to be Gray to wake up at that. He was probably a light sleeper. He didn't want to let him in, show him what his encouraging had caused. Gerard was, once again, reminded that Gray hadn't forced him to cut his hair, hadn't forced him to show his scar, hadn't been the cause of its existence. He didn't have the energy to shush the claim this time. He was scared and tired, and he needed a friend.

"Gerard, what happened? Are you hurt?" The doorknob shook a bit. "I don't know how to help through the door, please, I want to help."

"Why?" His voice broke. He looked from the mirror to the door, and he slowly dropped to the ground.

"Why do I want to help?"

"Why? Because nobody cares about me, so why the hell are you pretending to?!"

It was quiet for a moment, for a moment too long, and Gerard started to cry again. He didn't want to touch his face to get rid of the tears. He didn't want to feel his mutilated skin. 

"I care about you. I-I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, but I do. So does everybody else. Ben, Alex, Eugene, Teddy, Rowan, all the guys do. I'm sure there are more people who do that I don't know." There was another pause. "You're wonderful, Gerard. How could people not care for you?"

The door unlocked, and there stood Gray, an over-sized hoodie falling to mid-thigh and star covered pajama pants and all, looking the most worried Gerard had ever seen him. He moved quickly, closing the door slightly behind him and dropping to the floor. He kept scanning over Gerard, seemingly looking for injuries, his hands twitching and arms moving forward and back. Gerard hadn't realized, but his breathing was still heavy.

"Can-can I touch your hair?"

Gerard nodded quickly, grabbing Gray's hands and moving them to his head. His fingers carded through his hair smoothly, moving gently to remove tangles. His fingers tracked down the back of his neck and down his forehead, careful to cover as much as he could. The taller boy hadn't even realized that Gray was touching his scar until minutes later once his breathing had finally regulated.

"You," Gerard licked his lips, "you don't mind?"

"Mind what?"

"The scar. You don't think it's gross?"

Gray looked horrified. "Why would I think it's gross. It's a scar, everyone has them."

Gerard snorted. "You have scar?"

Gray nodded, his face turning slightly pink. "I'd show you, but they're a bit, uh, high."

"High."

"Along my thighs..."

"Ah."

The two sat in silence for a moment, Gray still running his fingers through Gerard's hair. He was starting to doze off, the feeling of being cared for something he hadn't had in a while. His dad, though a good man, was not around as much as he used to be and hadn't been physically affectionate with him since he was a young child.

"Do you want to go back to bed?"

Gerard shook his head. "I'm being pampered."

Gray smiled. "Do you want to lay with me."

The taller thought about this for a moment. He wasn't sure how much room would be left for Gray if both him and Teddy were laying in that bed, but he really didn't want to leave Gray's side. After a moment, he nodded, going to stand.

He followed Gray back to the guest bedroom, taking note of how close the rooms were. It had felt like he ran a mile to get the bathroom earlier when, in reality, it was only a room away. The two were silent when they walked back into the guest room, Gray's phone flashing on and off being the only form of light. The two lay down, Gerard in the middle and Gray on the end, closely as Gray grabbed his phone, checking the notifications. From what Gerard could see, they seemed urgent. 

"Do you need to go?"

Gray frowned. "No. I don't want to go home."

Gerard nodded as Gray moved closer, pulling his head down towards his chest as his fingers found their way back into his hair. His touch was just as light as before, and it wasn't long until Gerard, followed very closely by Gray, was fast asleep. He wouldn't say it, but his nightmares began to disappear. Slowly but surely, the nightmares stopped.