Airing out dirty laundry

Human relations...What?

10/5/22

The day is average, not much of "real" external significance. Though I was able to identify that #327 left his books in *redacted* class, I brought them to his locker for him. He seemed confused, which is understandable I've never been one he's ever considered a friend nor an acquaintance, nevertheless he said thank you, still extremely confused, and I left. This event is probably the most memorable of the day externally, but internally I've been in a state of over cooked chaotic spaghetti. Lately I've been reading many "cartoon cover" novels, thus putting the prospect of "romantic" relations into my general thought process. Though I have yet to remotely understand what in hades it means, I am one of curious nature, so I must aim for understanding. But it's with this that makes it so confusing. It's always one step forward 3 steps back. Every question that gets a vague answer opens more and more questions. The more I know the less I know. So I've been trying what I think, according to the novels, is the stereotypical romantic thinking mind set. I started with cartoon covers, then romcoms, and (the music that I hate) cheesy we'll-be-together-forever type love songs. With this experiment I let some right brain chaos tendencies into my everyday life. A dorky guy I sit near in a few classes, we'll say he's adorkable. And that other guy that you've had like four conversations with but you still magically hang around near each other, call that a forced proximity and he's good at music so sure. Little things like that, small thoughts to so what kind of effect they would have on me. I  know this sounds like The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (what with the slowly experimenting with small indulgences and using myself as the test subject) but it backfired. When I created those thoughts, envisioning I was a romance author desperately wanting to find someone just like in my books and grasping at loose strings to pretend that these average people are as amazing, these thoughts some how routed themselves into my brain and are stuck. I've tried to get them out, with anti romantic music, books about being cheated on, and even self help podcasts revolving around you being your first priority, nothing seems to work. My subconscious must have decided that these weren't just hypotheticals because now it's how I accidently made myself think. Do I understand any of it? No, absolutely not. But the stuff I pretended to have learned became something my brain decided was how it would sometimes think. I was siting behind one of these guys in a class, can't do it anymore, I had to convince the teacher to move me to the back so I wouldn't have to be having a internal panic attack every time I went to this class because I feel like crap, and what if they see me like crap? Or start panicking over why I'm panicking because I know it's irrelevant but I can't get my brain to stop. I hate it so much, I want this thought process out of my mind but at the same time since it's been internalized in my brain now some sick part of me likes the prospect of this way of thinking hopefully, it likes the aspect of maybe, just maybe, I might get an enemies to lovers with an adorkable guy who's funny, respectful, and deals with my constantly shifting chaos. Well, other than the romantic aspect, that's kinda what I look for in friends. Funny/relatable, respectful to other people and their cultures, and deals with my simultaneously scholar like chaos debate that likes to scream facts, nothing but facts, and write like I'm an overly sophisticated college professor doing a lab report on this depressingly deadly this, whilst also being a dramatic piece of work that overreacts to everything, accidently tricked themselves into liking HSM, and somehow gets obsessed with a character that is in the first two chapters of a book/is never heard from again for no reason but is still the favorite character and his name is Wileson and I gave him a Tennessee accent and he's dead but he's still my favorite character. But back to the Jekyll and Hyde analogy, I'm not sure why, but I feel like it's much too accurate. Jekyll decides to do an experiment based around his own psychology, indulging in things he would normally never do/feel, those things slowly start to take over his life in so much of what he does he's also thinking about those things, he realizes the experiment is only going down hill from here and there's nothing he can do about it, he curls up in his room writing all of this down for god knows how long. So yeah, my brain is melting. I'm trying my best but gosh this experiment really just went and blew up in my face didn't it? Well, until next time.

I'm broken

But still trying

-K.V