The Paradise Of A Circle

While running on the track, her hair in a tight ponytail, she breathed carefully & methodically. Headphones securely in her ears and her own personal soundtrack keeping time with her feet and centering her focus. She stopped and stooped down to retie her glistening shiny shoes. The circle of freedom, or the never ending loop? Which was the nightmare? It was here in the quiet winter afternoon, she found herself grappling with what she was doing again. Jog around the track. Over and over. Let the music set the rhythm. A light resting jog for the slower songs, and a faster pace for the more energetic songs. Take a swig of water when tired. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. There was a calm serenity in simple. It was easy to do. Simply follow this pattern continuously. Especially on this windy and cold day. She was the only one at the park's track.

On warmer days, she often found herself stuck behind a family walking in a line or another jogger going ahead of her at a lighter pace. She preferred this. The still and the silent. However, there was always a certain unease she felt in the silence. Running around, with nowhere to go. She always preferred to jog on nature trails, but the park's track had been cleared of snow and was the safest and closest place to run right now. It was an odd sensation, having this quiet freedom. Able to pick up pace whenever she wanted. Able to slow down. Able to stop for a quick swig of water or to change the song on her phone. There had always been this sense of anxiety she would get with this much freedom. The silent lingering doubts and double guessing that came from the circle of freedom.

But in the same way she got feelings of turmoil from this track, the circle of freedom, it was like a comforting never ending loop. There was a fear, about moving around, to make yourself tired, without ever getting anywhere, but it was always less stressful than when she would jog to places like the stores by her house. Very often, she'd get lost in the running and forget about the destination and just want to continue running and would wind up having to turn around and make her way back. Here, she never got lost. It was one less thing to worry about, where she was going. And she almost always forgot something on her first trip even when she brought lists. Another irony. It was having a destinistation that always helped her get out of the house.

And now, as she questioned her choice to run, she felt the chill and the push of the wind. It was travelling the opposite way she was currently running. It made the air thinner and her breathing more ragged, as the wind itself was also trying to get her to stop. Trying to pull her backwards.

She heard a small ring from her phone. At last, an excuse to stop. Her eyes widened as she read the text. Message received from Mom at 5:35pm. "You'll be at your dad's this weekend."

She sighed. She had made plans with her friends that Sunday. She sat on a bench and texted a group chat. "Last minute changes. I'll be staying with my dad this weekend. Maybe next time."

She received another text outside the group chat, Message received from Dad at 5:38pm. "Did you hear what's going on from your mother?"

"Yes." she texted back.

"And how are your grades?"

She texted back a picture she had taken earlier this week. She was expecting this message. There was a thumbs up reply and then silence from her phone. She looked at her phone to see she had forgotten to reply to her mother. She got back up and put her phone back in her pocket. She could always answer her later. She went back to jogging, but in the opposite direction. It was an immediate difference. This time, it felt more like the wind was pushing her forward. Perhaps it was just her imagination. Nevertheless, she picked up her pace. Her shoes were soft and bright, and she looked at their bright color as she remembered again, the text from her mother.

These shoes had been a recent gift from her mother for her birthday. Her mother had been a professional runner herself when she was younger and after retiring from the world of running, she could tell her mother was disappointed to leave that life behind and wasn't as happy with where she was now working a normal office job. And although she had inherited her mother's love for jogging, she had no interest in going pro. A fact she kept from her mother. After her parent's separation, her mother had been extra clingy to her. But she always let her out of the house if she said she was going out for a jog or a run. So she often went jogging with friends or by herself to get out of the house.

Her father disapproved of her running and her after school club activities. "A proper lady isn't muscular. She gets good grades so that she may support herself until she finds a husband." Was a phrase she found herself remembering her father saying again and again. But she got good grades at school while running so her father wasn't on her back about it that much these days. Mostly giving sarcastic comments about it rather than threats or being clingy. Not that he had much chance to in the first place, she spent most of her time with her mothers. But since her father wasn't as clingy, she preferred being at her father's house. Though the biggest downside was being further away from her friends. 

But she knew that freedom only came so long as she continued to excel in her academics. Her father and mother wanted very different things from her life. It was a life of compromises to make them both happy. Being on the track team for mom even her father disapproved. But being an extra helper on the debate team for her father which her mother disliked. But as long as she ran, and as long as she was on that debate team with her grades, her parents would stay off her back and away from each other's throats. Resorting to grumbling about the other behind each other's backs.

A tear ran down her face as she remembered all of it. It was looking at these shoes. The running around in circles endlessly on this looping track. As the wind pushed and pulled her. As she continued to run.