I (Don't) Hate You

misunderstandings

"I hate you!", Akk screams, blushing furiously. His expression is full of emotions he once thought he could comprehend.

He keeps staring at his own feet. His posture is awkward, his legs look unstable for some reasons.

Ayan wants to run away without letting him crush his dreams about them being special more than he already did. But that would go against who he is and each one of his morals.

There is also a part of him that is hitching, imploring him to close the distance between them and beg for a forgiveness he does not need to ask for – he only ever wanted to make Akk feel adored and safe, didn’t he? So, he stays still like he always does, even when he has already left his side.

"He can't even look at me while he breaks my heart", Ayan thinks. Then he realizes that he actually said those words out loud, because Akk's round eyes are on his a second after his mind decided to betray him.

Akk opens his mouth to speak but no sound comes out.

‘’I…’’ he whispers uselessly.

His eyes are calling Ayan’s name in a silent prayer, and Ayan feels sick. He has always loved the way they seemed to hide secrets and stories he never dared to reveal, not even to his reflection in the mirror.

Until they found each other.

Yeah, he used to believe that he would be the only reader of those intricated tales one day.

Ayan gulps, then he nods. "I should have known from the start" he tries to say, but his voice cracks and he only makes it to the middle of the sentence. He pauses; he doesn't want to cry in front of him. He can’t allow himself to be weak when he’s with him anymore. Their promise has expired the moment Akk told him that he hated him and repeatedly rejected him like it was nothing.

"Listen, I don't care if you hate me. It's fine to me, as long as you love yourself. Do me a favor, stop living for other people’ selfish demands and be your true, authentic self. I've seen it," Ayan smiles: it's a sad, nostalgic curve that slightly bends upward when he shortly relives their moments together. "I've met it... and it's beautiful."

It really is. Ayan has fallen in love with it. With Akk. And now he has to surrender.

The last thing Ayan sees before he turns away is panic in its purest form. Typical of him, scared of truth as he is. Ayan figures out he just wasn’t ready to come to terms with his natural predisposition to freedom.

Maybe he will always wait for him to be ready to be together, he knows this is not a goodbye. But right now, he just needs to let him go. Because if he doesn’t, he’s afraid he will never be able to glue the shards of his soul again. Sometimes, when Akk is around, he forgets he is only human and can only take that much.

Right now, he choses to stop. For a day, a month, a year: he has not decided yet.

With his head and his heart aching painfully, he walks through the hallways of Suppalo for the last time, eyeing every corner Akk and him had made their hideout when things were easier, and he finally reaches the parking lot.

He finds his car soon – too soon, he reasons before he immediately shoos that weak thought – but then he realizes his keys are not in his bag. ‘’Where are they’’ he curses, hands rummaging in the pockets of his jeans and jacket. ‘’Whoever is up there really doesn’t want me to leave this shitty butthole’’. The imprecation almost echoes in the hot air.

‘’Are you looking for these?’’ he hears someone say.

The sound of ringing pieces of iron breaks the solemn silence of the empty area. And when he recognizes Akk’s voice (because he would recognize it even if he lost his hearing) he can swear at least a thousand butterfly begin to dance in his stomach.