in the memory of my soul..

in the loving memory of my soul..

the one that i used to hold..

within was a child who was free..

a little girl on a hunting spree..

all she wanted was to know..

the secrets that hide behind closed doors..

oppressed she felt though she was free..

now as a teen she disagrees..

a lot of things she heard and knew..

believing in them was a lot to do..

turned 11 with a weird obsession..

with the little cat she felt union..

soon the cat left to no return..

a small crack in her soul she felt..

years passed and now she's 13..

bullying in her eyes never was real..

beaten down, humiliated, and torn..

she slowly smiled..

keeping it all..

never felt like she belong..

to elders she went..

admiring all..

skip a few more, now she's 15..

she knows the truth as every teen..

a talkative spirit, annoying it seems..

but inside, a quiet shadow she keeps..

as 2020's celebrations approached..

a bad feeling was crushing her down..

he pandemic didnt hurt, nor did the lockdown..

but the dark shadow it left that followed..

her life was flipping..

the world kept pushing..

and she was dying..

but never spoke..

felt guilty whenever she talks..

hates herself but shows all love..

smiling all day to process all night..

no she couldnt cry, she just felt the pain..

she isnt depressed, she is afraid..

of a future she cant secure..

and dreams need strong one's to pursue..

alone she feels..

afraid though thinks deep..

an all time low..

hidden with glow..

no one ever knows..

what she thinks of this world..

all the things she heard..

all the secrets she knew..

ignorance was a clue..

to a pure heart she sew..

but too much to feel..

understanding as it reveals..

a door she opened..

she wished stays closed..

now she is 16..

aware it seems..

still lost in a universe she claims her own..

mean she might be..

careless or even evil it seems..

but she wonders inside..

did that child die..?

she still wants to be free..

but from that monster she feels..

she is now dead inside..

but an atom of light that whisper..

"its gonna be okay" but i wonder..

will my life ever get better..?

im going to a doom as i see...

my worth is now defined by grades..

two years now till i turn 18..

should i be happy or should i be scared..?

no im not sad..

im just numb..

what can i feel when im alone and lost..?

yea i can still love.. and ill always give..

the glitter on the back page will shrink..

and you will see the glow..

wont feel the sorrow..

of a teen who lost the joy in life..

she laughs while asking how long will it last..

....

this maybe deep

and this is just a creek

of a million pages of feelings and tries

to know who i am

to feel alive again

and let the child reborn

into my lost soul..