The DiFfiCuLt GiRL

Owning up

09/10/2022

Today Sam sat beside me.

I was taking the first seat as usual. The thing about college is that people reach the class 30 minutes ahead just to occupy the last seat. The earlier you are, the later seat you occupy in the class. So, I usually reach the class 3 minute early and occupy the best seat (for me), the first seat.

Sam was 10-minute late to the class today, which he can totally afford to do as Preeti or Anmol will always save a seat for him. Today they couldn't. And the place beside me was empty. So, he was stuck in the first seat with this 'difficult girl' (Lord bless his poor soul).

Everything went fine until the 3rd hour, which was when I noticed a letter hidden between the pages of his notebook. I could just see a glimpse of it, a thick-red paper, folded in half with blue and white hearts all over it. Inside there were paragraphs written in a beautiful cursive writing, so captivating I could not stop myself from inquiring about it.

Now the thing is, Sam is pretty open about his private life when it comes to us (our group of 6 people in the class). So, when he refused adamantly to reveal the letter, my curiosity only spiked. This behavior was very unlike of Sam. I have not seen him so protective of something in this small period of time that I have got to know him.

Curiosity killed the cat, right? Me too.

After nearly an hour of asking in every way I knew how and giving every kind of incentive I could imagine, Sam remained steadfast in his refusal to give me access to his letter, so I finally did something I shouldn't have done.

When he wasn't looking, I attempted to swipe the letter from his notepad. I stumbled. I was about to remove the letter from between the pages when he arrived. (Was he trying to test me?)

After that when he had enough of my behavior, he packed his bag and shifted to the farthest corner of the room.

It took me two hours of sitting alone, contemplating and a big lecture from my best friend to understand, why I was wrong to do what I did.

Sam might be a close friend, he might be an open person, he might choose to share every personal detail of his life, but what he doesn't chose to share, I can't force. I have no right to do it.

The moment he said no to my first request of revealing the letter, I should have respected him. Instead, I kept pestering him. Sometimes we get so lost in friendship that we blur the boundaries that exist between two descent people.

After returning to my hostel, I had dinner, took a shower to decompress, then I contacted him.

I am not in the habit of frequently apologizing or saying sorry. I therefore give it my all when I act.

I acknowledged my error and accepted responsibility.

Sam was naturally delighted to return things to normal with me.

What I realized today was that, it's totally natural for us to screw up sometimes, to act impulsively and take tragic decisions, go against our nature and make stupid, horrible mistakes. It's a human thing to do.

What makes us slightly better humans is owning up to our stupidity and apologizing. It's hard, no doubt. It's hard to be vulnerable, to accept you could be wrong in a world that worships perfection.

But go and do it anyway, because then you receive something greater than forgiveness – peace.