Marionette

Selfish thoughts

I could hear my parents screaming at each other as I hid under the covers. I could hear the glass smashing and doors slamming shut. I closed my eyes praying for them to stop. After a door slammed shut it went silent before I heard the sound of my mother crying.

My father was drunk again. Work hasn't been great for him. Just last week he was fired as he was not doing a proper job and his behavior had become violent as he would have bursts of anger and rage at random times to anyone who happened to be within the facinity.  He never had a drinking problem before but now you would never see him without a bottle or two in his hand.

The father I had once known and loved was gone and its place was a stranger who I was afraid of. Someone who would never hesitate to raise his hand to my mother or myself leaving us often with bruises and sometimes cuts from bottles that he throws at us. Each day I had to put cover up on my face so no one at school would realize what was happening to me or my family.

At school it was no different. I was the main focus of bullying which ranged from teasing to being physically hit. I never cried out not wanting to give the abuser the satisfaction of hearing me scream and beg for mercy but inside I screamed for them to stop, to just stop the violence I was constantly under and for someone to notice my pain. I just wanted that someone who would be able to see past the lies I put up, to be able to see how damaged I was and how much I am torn up inside by the words they speak to me.

I hated myself for hiding but there was little else I could do in fear of the punishments being increased both at home and at school. I had no one to turn to as no one would be able to understand the pain and suffering I go through. Each day it's a battle to get up when I know that my body can't stand the amount of pain inflicted daily and how easy it would be to just not wake up.

Thoughts of suicide had crossed my mind more than I would care to admit but one thing always stopped me from doing it, only that one thing is the reason for me to get up in the mornings and the reason why I smile and hide all the pain and torture I experience. My mother.

The only reason why I get up is to look after her. After being crippled half a decade ago she found it hard to do simple things that others should have had no problem accomplishing. Barely able to walk she still gets up each day to make breakfast for my father and to give me something to have on the way to school.

I loved her and it hurt each time I saw her smile at me with such pride and happiness while she was covered in bruises. She should be getting treatment and resting but instead she was working trying to pay off the debt my father made.

I just wish someone would take a closer look at our family and just see what we go through daily...

...but life isn't sunshine and rainbows and my mothers prince charming turned into the dragon, the castle into the dungeons, laughter turned into cries and pleas and our happy ending became never ending pain.

And me? I'm the broken doll trying to fix everything but myself...