The Heart That Was Never Broken, Yet Already Shattered

Waiting for the Click

It's 2:30 a.m. and Dan Howell is crying.
This, for many might sound odd, but for him it has become more of a common occurrence. The reason? Well, it's simple- he was born a she, and he feels like a fucking robot. He's a pansexual, demiromantic, transgender boy who cries himself to sleep because he feels like he'll never pass as male, he can never tell his family because they're all homophobic, and he can't feel love for Phil even after 6 years even though he wants to- so, so bad.
Phil. Oh how he wanted to feel the same love for him as Phil had already shown Dan. Dan thought he was flawless- perfect, shimmering blue eyes you could go swimming in, broad shoulders, and the kindest, cutest personality. For some reason, to Dan, something still felt missing. He didn't feel that bond yet, that... click that allowed him to feel romantic attraction, sort of like a plug needing an outlet in order for it to turn on. That's exactly how Dan functions, and he hates it. Not having romantic attraction come as an easy, natural feeling made him feel like a robot. He wanted to, he just couldn't make himself feel it.
There's also this issue of his body- he despises it. He was born female, and even though he has short hair and has a male name and pronouns, his breasts and vagina are wearing him down mentally. Knowing what's under his clothes steals any hope of truly feeling like the man he fully wants to be. At least Phil tries to comfort him though, telling him that he is still perfectly male, regardless of his sex organs, and that one day he will be able to get top surgery and start HRT. What Phil doesn't know though is that every day he uses ace bandages or duct tape and plastic wrap to bind himself every day. His posture has gone down the drain from the discomfort of sitting up straight, and after hours of makeshift binding, the pain is nearly unbearable. At least the shame of visibly seeing his breasts isn't there.
And that's why, he's sobbing into his pillow in the middle of the night while Phil is sleeping one room over. At least he thought Phil was sleeping.
Moments later he heard a soft knock at the door through his sniffling, and quickly composed himself enough to croak out a quick, "Come in."
Phil walked into the room, clad in a baggy t-shirt and pajama pants. His hair was all ruffled, and his glasses were drooping slightly, sitting tilted on his face.
"Dan," he says in a soft voice, "why are you crying?" He questions with a concerned expression on his face. He makes his way over to the bed and climbs in, staring into a familiar set of chestnut, tear- stained eyes before Dan can even answer.
"Phil, I know you've mentioned that you love me, and I want to love you too, but I can't feel it yet. It's killing me Phil, I want to reciprocate those feelings back. And why did I have to be born in this disgusting body, I want be male, I was made with the wrong parts." Dan whispered, beginning to tear up again.
Phil remained wordless as he drew Dan close, holding him as he cried into his shoulder.
"Wh..why a-am I bro..ken?" He sobbed, clinging on to Phil.
"You're not broken, Dan. There are plenty of demiromantics and transgender people, and in regards to you wanting to love me- if you ever feel that connection happen for you, I'll be right here, waiting to love you too. It'll be ok."
Phil moved his head so that his nose was brushing against Dan's, staring into his chocolate brown eyes.
Dan was taken back by Phil's response, finally getting a sense of the love Phil truly felt for him, knowing that Phil would wait forever just to be with him.
Then he felt it click.
The overwhelming feeling of love for Phil hit him like a title wave, and his stomach flipped. After six years he finally felt comfortable embracing the love Phil never stopped feeling for him. He smiled, closing the gap between him and Phil in that moment, kissing him in a gentle yet passionate kiss. Phil was purely shocked at first, but then began kissing back. Dan was relieved that this finally felt right. They broke apart, looking at one another breathlessly.
"You felt the click?", Phil questioned, beaming at him.
Dan nodded, still feeling on top of the world after kissing Phil, "Yes. Does this mean we're together now?"
"I would have waited forever to hear you say that, I'm just glad it's sooner rather than later." Phil giggled slightly.
Dan chuckled, wrapping his arms around Phil's waist, tangling their legs together, and relishing in the feeling of being flush against him. "I love you, you dork." He said before pecking Phil on the lips again
"I love you too, Dan" Phil whispered, snuggling Dan close before drifting off to sleep with his new boyfriend.
It might have taken Dan six years to feel love for him, but to Phil, the wait was worth it.