𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐫

e p i g r a p h

Grief.

Personally, I think I've seen enough of it to know exactly what it looks like.

I've seen all the ugly and dirty sides of it. The bruised, the bloody, the red eyes, the dark circles, the pale skin, and the malnourished. I recognized well the wrinkles in the clothes piled up on the floor in the corner of the bedroom to fill those voids. I've seen the matted hairs, and messy ponytails that barely even qualified as so. The smells of fresh tears, dirty laundry, and week old take out that has barely even been touched was practically engrained into my nostrils by this point.

I knew what it felt like too.

I knew that everyone told me it would be quick. That I would go through the motions of it all, and pop right back into reality once it was all done. I was told I'd have my family, my friends, and a whole community behind me to support me through those troubling times. That I'd never for a second feel alone while I was in mourning. And for a while, I had to say that was true. At least part of it was, it felt like I had my own personal army of grief fighters.

However, once reality had set in... I realized it was all just one big lie. The grief I faced wasn't by any means... quick. It was long... drawn out... and cruel. It came in waves, sending me signs that I'd eventually be okay, only to strip that hope from me in the most painful way. It filled my mind with altered memories, and disturbing thoughts that inhibited me from functioning like a normal being would. It filled me with regret and produced a guilt so powerful it could knock even the strongest warriors flat on their asses. I was filled with so much resentment it was hard to even breathe without a self-loathing that protruded my mind. It forced me to believe that there was something- hell, anything that I could've done. It played utterly humiliating mind games and filled the hole in my chest with a hatred so deep it consumed me whole. It drowned out any voices of reason and focused on everything and anything that I could've blame for what happened. It took my life and created a whole new fate for me, one that ensured that i would always end up alone.

Though, I never really was. I had my family... my friends... I had a whole community behind me. I answered the door to a new face every day, sending condolences with eyes filled with pity and condescending frowns lingering on their lips.

It all meant nothing.

As if the first time wasn't enough, it hit again.

Death.

This time it had a goal and took everything with it.

This time... this grief... it wasn't normal. It didn't make me feel anger, or resentment. It still felt just as harsh and as cruel, but this time it really had taken everything from me. There was no more sadness... no tears... no revenge to be had, or denial to go through. It was all just acceptance. At first there was a bit of anger, but it faded quickly. It felt like every emotion I had ever experienced hit me all at the same time and left me so numb I just felt nothing. I just had a to accept the loss and move on. This time it almost felt like I was the lucky bastard who had died. I couldn't feel the emotion, or the mental anguish, or physical exhaustion. it felt like I was just waiting... that all I could feel... anticipation.

Though sometimes i still felt the urges. I still needed a distraction from life. I indulged in the booze, and the occasional recreational drug, and even then, there was still just a whole lot of nothing. I knew this wasn't 'the right way to grieve' but I couldn't think of anything else.

This way was easy.

_ _ _

Tristan Mays as Meredith Allard

"Listen, you seem like a really great person... but I am not. So, I give it about 2 minutes or so before you really start to get on my nerves, and then your little spooky witch family will be the least of your worries."

Chris Woods as Malachi Parker

"I wasn't allowed to experience the feelings that came with moments like these, so I apologize in advance for any socially unacceptable responses."