Hatred (JeffBarcode)

la douleur exquise

One month later

The press conference about the new world tour took place that afternoon, Barcode looked at the busy staff preparing for the upcoming event, he did not want to disturb them so he decided to enter the dressing room quietly and get ready by himself.

-Jeff, how are you and N'Barcode?

P'Build's voice from inside startled Barcode who was about to open the door.

-It's complicated...

Jeff answered hesitantly, there was still a feeling of guilt in his mind. Barcode realized that he was not the only broken one after that night.

-You have to make up with him as soon as possible, you guys can't keep avoiding facing the situation like this. Barcode, he loves you a lot, and I really mean it. I don't want to see him suffer anymore.

-I know how he feels about me.

What Jeff had just said sent shivers up Barcode's spine, it turned out that he had been aware of everything since the very first day.

-Then why don't you give him a chance? He is a very good boy, Jeff, he is too good for this world. When the scandal blew up, he even told his fans to not insult N'Maei just because he didn't want to see you sad. So Jeff, I'm warning you not to let anger controls you and once again lose your loved ones, especially Barcode, he has had enough lately.

"I'm fine, I'm used to suffering now, I just hope that you can listen to P'Build this time and ease the pain inside you."

-But I can't help myself. I love her so much, and Barcode, he has many things in common with Maei. Every time I look at him, memories of Maei just keep getting back to me. He reminds me of Maei, of her death.

Jeff spoke in deep grief, he used to observe Barcode carefully. His smile, his eyes, his look, he was definitely the male version of Maei. Her death was a great shock which Jeff still had not gotten over. As a result, whenever he looked at Barcode, his inner feelings was provoked once again. After each time, it was almost impossible for Jeff to control his anger.

-I know, but you can't make him suffer and comfort him at the same time. You act like there's nothing with him, but you are secretly scolding him, isn't it really cruel of you?

-Then what should I do? Every time I looked at Barcode, I felt anger building up inside me but I couldn't help caring about him.

Barcode overheard the whole conversation, trying to figure out Jeff's idea.

-Why did you do that?

-Barcode is similar to Maei, it's good and bad at the same time. When I looked at him, memories of Maei's death would come back. However, sometimes he just genuinely looked like Maei, from his eyes, his smile and even his personality. It really healed my soul and reminded me of her, once again I was convinced to take care of him like he was...

"The second Maei"

-The second Maei...?

P'Build seemed to have understood what Jeff was thinking all that time. All of his love and care towards Barcode deprived from the fact that he looked like her. Knowing the truth, Barcode leaned on the wall, a painful smile appeared on his face. He was overwhelmed. Every single action of Jeff consequently showed up inside the little boy's mind like a video tape. Everything, every memories of them together just vanished that moment.

-Jeff! You're literally seeing him as a substitution for Maei!

Yes, Jeff saw Barcode as a substitution and it was quite obvious. After that night, the boy thought about all the things happened lately and eventually found out the truth. Not only did he not treasure Barcode as someone who truly loved him, in his eyes Barcode was nothing but a substitution for P'Maei. Barcode finally realized all the delusions he used to have was no hope. Jeff could never forget her, and he would never love the boy who would sacrifice his life for him.

The room quickly went into silence, Jeff was left speechless by P'Build. He walked out of the room after giving Build an apology.

-P'Build, I'm sorry.

He walked towards the hall, probably heard footsteps nearby. He looked around, nothing. He felt a gut feeling that it was Barcode's footsteps.

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The press conference went on with everyone's joy, only Jeff and Barcode were a bit quieter. Reporters definitely knew about their scandals, some did not say anything, but some kept asking them about it. Of course Barcode did not know how to handle the questions, it was Jeff who helped him skip the questions and put those reporters into a black list.

The conference quickly came to a break, one of the reporters stayed until the end to ask more about the series.

-N'Barcode, as you can see, Kinnporsche the series has achieved it success and you have also gain some fame, do you think you'll keep pursuing your career as an actor?

Barcode smile faded slowly after being asked so, his lips trembled while trying to speak into the mic.

-Actually I have been planning to make an announcement about this soon. Kinnporsche the series really taught me a lot about acting and stuff, now I'm more well-known and I'm being loved my many people and I truly appreciate your support. I want to thank all of you, my fans for staying by my side all this time. Special thanks to P'Mile, P'Apo, P'Build, P'Bible, P'Jeff and all the staff for helping me out since the very first day until now...

He stopped for a while, trying to stop tears running down his face. His eyes was sparkling, but inside those eyes only sadness could be found.

-...But perhaps I should stop here. After this project end completely, I will quit acting. Thank you all for the journey we have gone through together.

The question ended, drew hundreds of questions toward him. Barcode did not say a thing, he just secretly wiped the tears on his face.

-Barcode, what do you think you're saying?

Jeff asked worriedly, his eyes was wide open after Barcode answered. Apart from him, other casts and staff were drawing their attention towards him. Barcode Tinnasit had never been like that, ever before.

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-Barcode, why do you want to quit!?

P'Mile's voice echoed in the dressing room. He asked the boy who was 12 years younger than him angrily, everyone was looking at them, there was an invisible tension inside the room that made them scared.

-I've been thinking about this for a long time. There're many things that can't keep me going, please show some sympathy P'Mile.

Barcode smiled, trying to calm his brother down, but just that was not enough for Mile. Especially when he knew what was the actual reason.

-What are those things you're talking about? Give me a valid reason, or is it still because of N'Maei?!!

-P'Mile!

Just when they were about to start shouting at each other, P'Apo stopped them and reminded Mile that Barcode was just being risky due to his anger. P'Apo asked Barcode worriedly after talking to P'Mile.

-Barcode, your reasons, they are not convincing enough. You can tell us the truth, we promise we won't keep asking you after we get a hold of everything.

-P', I'm fine, it's just... I don't think I can continue this journey anymore.

-Barcode! Do you know what you've just said. Such nonsense, you told me that you will follow this path till the end. You even got into Arts and Performance department in university! I don't buy your reasons. Tell me, you can't stand the job or the person who is doing the job?

Bible spoke while staring at Jeff. Barcode was caught off guard, he looked like he was about to cry. Yes, he did not want to quit acting at all, but he want to stop loving Jeff. If he did not do this, he would get stuck in grief and regret forever.

-I...don't think this career path suits me.

Barcode answered softly. He lied, but was it a white lie? No. He received nothing from the lie, it just led him to a trail of unfortunate consequences. It was insanely painful to reject the love of his life. But Barcode, was your decision the right solution?