hi. idk why i'm here in the first place but i have no one else to speak to so i decided to share my story with you guys.
i'm not really a person that likes to share their thoughts, emotions and personal information. but i don't even think some people will read this. but it's fine because atleast i might feel a bit good writing on here.
anyways,
day 1 when i self harmed was in year 7. i was only 10 years old. couldn't really find the reason to it because everything in my life was messed up and confusing. But there was only 1 main problem.
my dad.
a few months before my self harm my dad left me and my family. all alone. nothing to rely on. No one to be with. at first i didn't quite get it. but now, i understand. as days, weeks and months passed it started to hit me.
i sat down and thought "why me?" why does this have to happen to me. the only person that i truly loved. even if he didn't show any love back he was my only saviour. he went.
no texts, no calls, no nothing.
but i finally found my way out. even if it made it worse it kind of felt good. i felt relieved everytime i did it.
at night, i went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and went back into my room.
1, 2, 3, 4 lines. it carries on and on...
and days, weeks, months passed it got worse. i got addicted. but i really didn't know how to feel about this situation.
one side of me would love the feeling to it, when you cut and see red dripping down your arm, that would truly make me feel better.
however one side of me would regret it. i would always question life if what i'm doing is right or not.
but you know what actually hurt the most? seeing my friends copy me. just for attention. i really thought how can someone do that. i'm here struggling with self harm, but they're there trying to copy me for attention.
seeing other people's self harm on social media getting worse than mine really affected me aswell. everytime i saw a fresh self harm scar, i would always ask myself if "my one is not deep enough" or "other peoples self harm is worse" wich that then caused me to self harm more and more.
to the point i became 15.
my arms, wrists, thighs, ankles, anywhere you can imagine was covered in red lines. and i couldn't stop it.....
[Comment if you want part.2]
