Desperation's Summit

11: Touch

The crunching of snow underfoot and the yowls of the wind whipping were Cordelia's only companions as she strode into the forest near Rakash's home. She didn't venture far, aware she would likely get lost, especially as night encroached. But she strained her 'safe zone' to get as far from Rakash as possible, for now.

Forgetting for the moment of sap and dirt, Cordelia found shelter in the large space between the ground and lowest branches of a pine tree. Her back thumped against the trunk as she sat and leaned back.

Night had crept in, turning the air even chillier. Though Cordelia didn't notice the cold. She was too fueled by conflicting and confusing emotions to focus on anything except the sickening swirl in her stomach.

A whorl of emotions teetered through her. Relief, since now she had no doubt Ebra would recover.Concern, for Kazri and Zalmir. Cordelia told herself that stemmed from her own desire to not have to take matters in her own hands again. Anger and frustration with Rakash, mingling with something else. Something softer and colder. Something that made Cordelia want to cry.

That was part of the reason she wanted to get away from him. Too many thoughts and feelings swirled around her head, she needed to regroup. It was only when Cordelia registered her own tears, streaking down her cheeks, she realized what she was feeling.

Genuine disappointment.

And with that came the memories.

The empty halls and rooms of her childhood home. The quiet, solitary birthdays and holidays, while she received cards from her parents and siblings. Watching fairs and festivals and parades march by her home, but rarely managing to go to the festivities herself. The few familiar, yet distant, servants that populated her memories.

It hadn't always been so lonely, Cordelia knew. There used to be Nanny Gerta and her plethora of children. The times when the maid would take her out on errands and then bring her to the shack she called home. There, a gaggle of children waited and, for once, Cordelia didn't feel so alone as she played with them.

Angrily, Cordelia swiped at the tears. Those memories only brought more pain, she knew, as her heart lurched in her chest. It had gone on for years, up until Cordelia was ten. Then Nanny Gerta just disappeared one day. Along with her children. Cordelia never got an answer from her parents or siblings or other servants. And to make matters worse, the other servants began distancing themselves further, as well.

Leaving little Cordelia to her own devices, once more.

She hated those memories. Hated the pang that came to her chest whenever they settled in her head. Hated how hard it was to shake the incessant misery.

"Stop it!" Cordelia hissed to herself, as she pushed her palms against her eyes. The tears refused to stop.

She had not thought Rakash could disappoint her so badly. Oh yes, he was stubborn and overprotective of his trollings, to the point of isolating them from the world. But he cared about his children. She had watched him fawn over them, bathe them, feed them.

Never once had it crossed her mind he'd so willfully ignore a problem to the point of allowing one of his children to suffer, maybe even die! Cordelia didn't even want to consider the ripple effects on Kazri and Zalmir.

It was one thing to be disappointed over superficial, silly things. Those didn't matter.

It was another thing to be upset by - and admit - to expecting a level of performance from someone else. It hurt when they failed.

The tears slowly eased and Cordelia sighed, pressing her head back against the tree trunk. This was ridiculous. She was being ridiculous.

This was exactly why she didn't get close to anyone.