Classroom Clean-Up:
I don't remember how old I was.
I don't remember my teacher's name.
I remember the chairs being scattered
Too messy
Around the room, and she was frowning.
"It's time to go," she said.
She pointed at me.
Not me.
She pointed at them.
"I need the boys to gather the chairs."
I stand.
Eyes find me.
Their heads tilt in confusion.
There are giggles.
Hushed whispers.
I sit back down.
"You're not a boy," They said.
The boys resume gathering chairs.
Except one.
Except me.
"Not you," they said, when I offered to help despite the error.
My pink leggings and frilly top made me gentle.
Made me sweet.
Not strong.
Not capable.
Not me.
"The girls shouldn't need to lift the chairs." They said.
"We get our boys to do that for us." They said.
"I'm a boy." I wanted to say, but no sound came forth from my tongue.
A boy.
Brown eyes.
Black curls.
Izzy.
Izzy.
Izzy.
I knew his name.
He could draw.
He could smile.
He was gathering chairs.
His smile reached my eyes.
His eyes reached those of me.
A girl.
Not a girl.
A boy.
Not a boy.
Not a visible boy.
A trapped boy.
An invisible boy.
He liked my long hair.
I wanted his short curls.
He liked my pretty dress.
I wanted his green cargo pants.
He liked my sweet smile.
I wanted his strong arms.
He liked the hushed kiss on the playground.
He didn't know I was a boy.
He was a loud boy.
A proud boy.
A real boy.
He kissed a girl.
Not a girl.
A boy.
Not a boy.
I stared at the gathered chairs.
Stacked neatly, and the girls were smitten.
I sat across from Izzy.
Jealous of him and the gathered chairs.
Jealous of the smitten girls who were satisfied.
Jealous.
Unsatisfaction.
Resentment.
Resentment of my stupid curly brown hair that reached my back.
Resentment of the pretty dresses my Nana sent me.
Resentment of the frilly tops and the leggings with pink.
Pink.
Pink.
Pink.
"I'm a boy," I tried to say, but they laughed.
"I like blue," I tried to confess, but they teased.
"I don't like my dress," I complained, but they ignored.
"Just a girl."
Not a girl.
"Not a boy,"
A trapped boy.
A trapped boy...
