Ataraxia

Awake

It wasn't until his fingers curled around my throat that I began to panic. It wasn't until his breath came in hard waves against my face that I began to really panic. I try to pry his hands off of me with no success. An animal-like noise escapes me as I try and take a breath. My feet slam against the ground, making a bit of a splashing noise. As I begin to reluctantly accept my fate, my eyes open and I sit up in my bed in a sweaty mess. I laugh out of relief and wipe my face. "It was just a dream," I mutter, "just a dream." But, I know it's not just a dream. I've been having this 'dream' for the past four months. It's become a guessing game for when it'll come to me. Some nights I sleep like teenager while others I sleep like a fish. Perhaps not the best simile, but you get the point. One sleeps a lot, one doesn't. I shuffle into the bathroom and grab my pill bottle and shake two blue pills out. A loud boom outside the window startles me and I drop the bottle into the sink, watching helplessly as about seven or eight pills fall down into the drain. With a loud, annoyed sigh, I grab the few survivors and put them back in the bottle and on the red cabinet between the shower and sink. I pop the two in my mouth like a professional pill popper and scoot out of the bathroom and to the kitchen. Lightening zips across the pale grey sky as I finally realize what that noise was. A heavy rain sets out on the city, washing it from it's filth. A coolness sweeps through my apartment and the building moans as if it is tired of all the bad weather lately. I pat the wall as I get a blue cup with the letter 'M' etched onto the handle from the counter and fill it with tap water. My Ashwaganda tea bags hang by the sink, I grab two and drop them into my cup and then the cup into the microwave. I watch the rain pelt the building next to mine. The neighbor's curtain is wide open again, allowing me to take a peek inside her private life. Usually on Monday mornings, her girlfriend and her are in heated arguments. They'll yell for a good ten minutes tops and then one will leave and the other calls their secret lover. It's interesting, really. Who needs cable television when you have these two? Today, they're nowhere to be seen. The microwave dings, bringing me back to current events. I open the microwave door and carefully grab my steaming hot tea. Just the aroma of it calms me down. I place it on my coffee table as I go to get dressed, it gives it just enough time to cool down. There is nothing better in the entire world than hot tea on a rainy Monday. Well, actually... that's a lie. There is something better than hot tea on a rainy Monday and that's hot tea on a rainy Monday WHILE listening to the legend himself, Tom Waits. I run back into the living room, half-naked mind you, and turn on my favorite album of his, Rain Dogs. The quote, 'If you get far enough away you'll be on your way back home' from his song 'Blind Love' is tattooed along my forearm in black cursive and has a hat sitting nicely on top of the last 'e'. I guess you can say I'm a pretty big fan of his. My clothes are already neatly laid out for me on my dresser. I pull on my black shirt, then my sweatpants, and then my socks and running shoes. As I inspect myself in the mirror, I hear my bed beckoning me back into its warmth. I swallow hard as I notice my weight gain. With a sharp inhale, I march into my living room, say farewell to Tom and drink my tea before storming out the front door. A sense of foolishness rushes over me as I realize that I forgot my coat. I spin on my heels and slightly open my front door to grab my blue jacket. I pull it on as I race down the apartment stairs. Before I can enter the street, my body halts as I see people walking up and down the sidewalk just a few feet in front of me. There is a lot more than to be expected on a day such as this. Swiftly, I pull on my headphones and hit play on my handheld music device. My brain commands me to start moving again before school starts. I barge through the door and begin my daily walk. First, I always stop by Rusty Red's diner and order my usual. Two slices of bacon, eggs, and a biscuit with a glass of ice cold water. Usually Randy himself will deliver my food to me, but he seems to be busy today. A girl with a bob haircut with bangs and dark red lipstick makes her way over to me with my food. Her nose is pierced and her eyelids are lined with a dark eyeliner. "Sorry for the delay," the girl says as she sets down my food and water. I give her a slight smile and stare at my eggs, waiting for her to leave. However, she just stands quietly over me with a polite smile waiting for me to take a bite. I feel my heart begin to race and a sweat builds up in my palms. Please, just leave. The girl shifts her weight to her other leg, obviously uncomfortable as well. Randy calls out a name and suddenly the girl disperses. It takes me a couple minutes to steady my breathing and recover from the encounter. I coat my eggs in pepper and mustard as I watch the people outside the window. Without much time left, I finish all the food I can and gulp down my water before putting my money for the meal under my plate and putting my headphones back on. The college campus is just a couple blocks away. Hopefully, I can make it on my usual time.