Drawn

Chapter 2.16:

Riley slammed her hand against her mouth, immediately fighting to take back the words that came spilling out.

But, she could take them back. 

They were out and there was going back from them, the same way I couldn't take back what I did to her the night of the accident. 

Riley's distorted words branded themselves into the back of my skull, adding to the ever-growing festering tempest of hatred I had for myself.  The simple fact she thought I chose to leave her spread the blackened, rotting spot inside my chest like gangrene. 

I wished Riley could understand that I didn't have any choice. Leaving her was not my decision, but I couldn't stay either. Deep down, I knew it was something that had to be done because I was so far gone that I couldn't find my way out, but the time away didn't actually matter.  Nothing changed for me, except I was lost even more without her.  The person I was right now was still stuck in the same place I was when Mark drove me back to Indiana—high and fucking pissed off at the world.

And also so fucking sad, so sad and confused.

I fought harder than I ever had in my life to hold onto my control and choke back the urge to scream at Riley, needing to unleash everything I was holding in. Even the secrets I didn't want her to know or that had nothing to do with her, were stuck to the tip of my tongue.  I was exhausted and so fucking tired of holding it all in a tiny bubble, hidden deep inside of me. 

It was explosive madness. Nothing connected or fit as it should.  I just wanted to feel the slightest semblance of normal or for it all to end, once and for all.

The only thing I was sure of was that I needed to love the girl standing in front of me. I had to spend the rest of my life cherishing every part of her if I was going to make it through another day.  That was it.  Riley Davis was the only person in this world who could make my storm clouds disappear. 

And yet, I never could hold onto her. Everyone got to have her—except me, and it wasn't fucking fair.

I couldn't breathe without her. 

Riley wasn't Aiden's or any other guys in the bar.  They couldn't give her what she needed. Only I could.  Even if I was fucked-up, worthless piece of shit, our paths were meant to cross.  I was destined to find her; she was supposed to be with me and only me—not anyone else.

"I'm the only one who gets to touch you." I hissed out as the possessive jealousy began bubbling up again. Every guy on the planet was a threat I had to take out to keep her by my side.

"We are not together, Ezra." Riley's hands drew dramatic patterns in the air as she spoke in a loud, clear voice.

"You still love me, Riley. I know you do." I yelled at her with absolute certainty as I began free-falling deep into another fit of anger towards the argumentative girl who was in complete denial. 

"What about this, do you not understand? Are you high or something?" She ripped my throat out and catapulted me off-course.

Riley figured it out.

She knew.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  

My anger towards her dissipated and faded, evaporating into the chilled night air. It was replaced with my shame and guilt.

I couldn't look at Riley's face anymore because I couldn't lie to her if I did.  Part of me was slightly relieved at the thought that the sneaking around and hiding my addiction was finally over, but the other part was terrified of what her reaction would be now that she knew the ugly truth.