The other day, I was strolling around my property, which is about 37 acres, When I saw a sheep. Just a random sheep, in the middle of the bush. Now, my area is dotted with nearby farmland so I figured, "This must belong to a local". I stepped back a bit, as I was unaware of this one's temperament and I have had experience herding sheep and I knew the could be a bit decisive. The sheep must've picked up on this, because the moment I showed any concern, it fricking laughed at me! "BAHAHAHAHA!" I whipped around in shock, as this sudden miniacle vocal discharge that came from the sheep scared the hell out of me, only to see that it was still looking me in the eye! Not only that, but the thing had moved closer to me and hadn't even heard a thing! It was also only within a second that I had turned away too, yet this lunatic sheep had gotten THAT much closer!
After a decisive stare down with what I could now tell was a ram, which is a male sheep, my nerves began to calm. I said to the thing, "Alright, you stay there, mate. I'm goin'o get your shepherd. Don't "moo-ve"". But when I had turned, again the sheep opened its mouth and I could have SWORN I heard it say, "Bahahastard!" Again, I turned, staring staight at the ram's face and indeed, this fricking sheep had gotten closer to me! I darted my eyes around, looking for somwthing to climb, as I can't outrun a sheep on flat ground, let alone up hill. I saw a thing tree that was no more the circumference of my upper arm, which isn't very large. I can climb virticle, no worries. I only weigh 60Kg, despite being only a little over 6Ft tall.
I ran to the tree, grasped it and pulled myself up as if I was climbing a rope, which for clarification is actually extremely easy. The sheep chased me to this tree and leapt toward my backside, which was rapidly moving up this tree, like a catipliar video being played at 10-times speed. The sheep hit the bark just beneath me and landed back on the ground and began to pace around the tree while looking up at me. This tree was shorter in hindsight and I felt a little more vulnerable from below.
After realising my situation, I said, "[BLEET]!" I was now half way up a tall, skinny tree and the only way down is THROUGH that LUNATIC SHEEP! Now, all I needed to do was get myself away from this mayhem! I thought, "Well, now that you've gotten yourself into this one, you have to find your way out!" I figured that the only way out was through, so with fury growing within myself. Now, this hour was by far my finest! I let go of the tree with my two hands, leant back, then let go with my thighs and tried to flip myself backwards into a sitting position. Alas, this did not go as planned and a fell head first toward this unit of a meat log, which moved out of the way, causing me to land on my forearms. I was not able to roll straight, as behind me was a tree and infront, the ram. So, I rolled, of you could even all it a roll, to the side. This decision sent me into the creek, which from an upside down falling perspective doesn't register as different to the flat ground to my left. I landed sideways on a submerged, muddy log. This did a number on my ribcage, but I stood up regardless and charged at the ram.
The ram was taken back by this, decided he'd had his fun and it was time to bolt. So, with cracked rib, a done back and a dizziness in my eyes I chased this lunatic sheep through the bush that stretched my property, through the gap in the fenc, down the dirt road and through shear adrenaline, I yelled, "I'll wear you like I do my doormat!" I didn't realise that what I said was nonsense, but didn't blame the passersby for giving me a strange and concerned look. I chased that sheep right back to its own property where the farmer was standing before getting bowled over by his missing ram. The farmer looked up and the running ram and then me looked at me and said, "I have been looking for him all... Are you okay?" He asked, giving me the same concerned look as the couple that a ran past when I was shouting all sorts of nonsense and gibberish. I looked at my hands. Then I looked and my thighs and felt my wet front.
I was completely covered in blood! Yes, my veins did flow and flood! As it turns out, the tree that I had climbed was a Hawthorn Tree, which I should've noted from the berries, were it not for me being chased. The farmer record his sheep qith glee, but took me to the hospital with haste. When the doctors asked what had happened to me, I said, "Ewe wouldn't believe me, even if I told ye'.
And that is the story of The Lunatic Sheep.
