I always thought that the world was an evil and crooked place with just moments of bliss and happiness. To put it simply, life is unfair. Living is exhausting. You spend every waking hour at the beck and call of someone else and out of that time you're supposedly relaxing with friends or family. When you are doing neither of these things, you're at the mercy of your own mind.
They say that your brain will do anything to protect itself, even if that means ending your own life. That leads me down the rabbit hole with a million questions, but the one that always comes back is, who are we? What is our purpose in this world? In this universe? In the galaxy?
When we go to the beach, those little specks of sand, we are just those, if not smaller compared to the length of all the galaxies. We can't even begin to fathom how insignificant we truly are. We fight with one another, end the lives of others with this thing called justice or just out of pure greed or spite. We have the free will to do what we want yet no one seems to want to help each other.
I don't believe that we, the human race was put on this planet we call earth for a reason. I believe we make too big a deal out of ourselves than what we actually are. I mean come on, we're at the mercy of our own minds for fucks sake.
I lost a friend. I am angry, confused, sad, tired, and numb. I'm mad at myself and I'm mad at him. I'm confused as to why he wouldn't talk to me, why he had to end his own life how he did. And then I'm mad again, mad at myself for not pushing him harder to talk to me. Then I get angry as to why he didn't trust me enough to talk to me, because now he can't talk anymore. I'm sad. I never cried this much in my entire life. My heart hurts so much that I feel like it will break any second. I'm angry at myself for not noticing how much he was hurting. I feel pathetic and I feel like I failed as a friend. People keep reassuring that it's not my fault, I know it's not, I know. But as a human I feel the need to place the blame somewhere, and of course, it always comes back to myself. That's just how we work, isn't it. It's 12:54 pm currently on October 28th, 2022. At this time yesterday you were alive. 30 minutes prior to this time you sent me a message telling me that I'm a great person and that I never need to change. Shortly after that you were gone.
I didn't find out until several hours later. Stephenie called, her voice sounded muffled, and it was shaking. She told me to sit down and then told me what happened. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to believe that the person I was talking to yesterday took his own life. I'm so sad. I'm so sad and confused and angry. My head has been pounding and my eyes are still swollen 17 hours later. I've tried everything to distract myself. I feel bad that earlier I was sitting there laughing lightly with my little sister, but truth be told I don't want to be alone right now.
I want to yell and scream at you, I want to hit you, I want to ask you why. Why would you do this, how could you do this? I screamed at you yesterday, but you were already gone. I called you cruel and selfish and mean. They told me you weren't any of those things and that you were finally happy. But now I'm not. Is that selfish of me? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't realize you were hurting. I'm sorry that you felt alone and that you had no one to turn to. I'm sorry for not realizing sooner. But my sorry's are of no use any longer. Would you still care?
I'm sorry that I still think you're selfish, I'm just mad. It hurts, you know Tyler. It hurts a lot and now I realize that this is how you were probably feeling. Cause I want this pain gone. I'm sorry. I am selfish. I just want you to come back. I want to pull you from the hands of death, but I can't. You crossed over already. You're long gone. And now I'm left trying to figure out how to deal with this pain inside my chest.
They told me that what you sent was your way of saying goodbye to me. I screamed at them and told them that goodbyes aren't supposed to hurt. That this was too unfair, It's too unfair. But who is it unfair for?
I knew it was stupid of you to buy those stupid fucking guns. IM SO MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW I SWEAR TO GOD. You were really happy when you bought them though. You texted me saying that you were an idiot and I agreed, we both know that you didn't have the money to be buying them. I'm sorry, I really am. I just want to understand why. What could I have done more? Should I have texted you more that day? Should I have suggested that we play overwatch later after I got off work? If you're last day at work wasn't on Wednesday, would you still be alive? What ifs ring through my head like it's a battlefield.
It's raining today. I don't believe in heaven or hell, but the sky is also crying how I am. Except theirs is peaceful acceptance and mine is of denial. I've never liked guns. I tried to shoot a pistol one time and got scared. The way it felt in my hand terrified me, I think I told you that after you asked me to go shooting with you. You never asked again after I told you that, you were thoughtful.
You tried to handle everything alone and would get upset with me when I was concerned about your well-being. It pissed me off when you'd get mad at me for that, because I cared about you. You constantly reminded me about how I wasn't special to you, I guess that was your defense mechanism because if I wasn't you wouldn't have bothered telling me to never change before your decision to take your life.
It pisses me off, you know. How can you say that and then leave like that. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Never change? I thought our friendship was special, I considered you an older brother, a friend. But you would never talk to me about these things. The world feels mundane today, the same way it felt last night, and the same way it will feel tomorrow and going forward.
I still have the rocks you gave me. You knew that I liked those and shiny things and would always take the chance to show me them. You would store them away if I was off just so I could see them the next day. I don't want to look at them anymore. It's too painful.
You know, last night I went to our snapchat and texted you in denial. I yelled at you there too, hoping that you would swipe on it to read it. This morning I woke up and they are still left unread. It hurts.
It's cold today with the rain. The air inside feels stuffy but the air outside is frigid, both are hard to breathe in. Can you tell me how you feel now? Since you're gone and there's no way for me to respond, can you tell me why? Can you tell me about your pain? Your suffering? Your sadness? I promise I'll listen. Please, just talk to me.
I tried to distract myself by cleaning my room today, it's almost done been then I got sad again and sat down to write this. I wasn't allowed to come into work today. Stephenie wouldn't allow it. People keep messaging me asking if I'm alright, I tell them I'm okay. I'm not, I think I am, but I'm not. I'm tired, I just want to sleep, because maybe then I could ask you these things if you were to appear in my dreams. Last night I didn't even dream, it's like I blinked, and it was morning. A cold, frigid morning.
At work, they're talking about sending grievance counselors to our store because of what happened to you. Because talking to a stranger about this helps things apparently. I want answers, not pity. Benson Boone was right you know, six feet never felt so far until now. I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. I didn't want to say goodbye yet. I don't want to say goodbye. But it's too late, I didn't even get to say goodbye. I don't like this kind of goodbye. It's too cruel and it's too unfair.
The world is too cruel and too unfair. You had so much more to live for and you decided to leave. That's so selfish Tyler, I'm so angry but I'm crying so hard now that I can't even see my keyboard to type this out. You were just fine yesterday afternoon. You were just alive and now you're not.
I hope you're happy though, even if you're not here anymore. I hope you can find your peace, your fulfillment, yourself. I'm sorry for calling you selfish, I'm just mad at you right now. I'll be mad at you for a while to be honest.
I'm reminded once again that the world we live in is evil and crooked, but thankyou for trying to make it a brighter place. I'm sorry to see you go, I wish that I didn't, that's just the selfishness though. I don't want to say rest in peace, I don't want to say goodbye, I don't know how to end this. I don't want to end this, I feel like if I do that, I will accept that you're gone and I can't accept that right now, it will hurt too much. I'm sorry but I want to keep being selfish and I want to hate you right now, can you accept that? Can you please just come back so I can hate you, because if I can hate you, I won't miss you. I'm sorry.
