Midnight Rain

"Training na naman, love?"

I heard Jet sighs after looking in my laptop. We were supposed to have a date today but here I am, studying so I can ace the competition.

"I need to study nga, Jet. Sa Friday na yung contest. You would understand naman, diba? I promise, after this we'll have a date. Babawi ako sayo." I said while reading my notes.

He sighs again. "Today is our anniversary, love. Kahit 1 oras lang... please?"

I stilled.

I forgot our anniversary.

I thought it's just a random date that's why I'm complacent to resched our hangout.

Tumayo agad ako at niyakap siya. I put my arms around his neck. "I'm sorry, Jet." I whisper.

"It's love."

I tighten my embrace to him.

"I'm sorry, love." I feel his hands tapping my back.

"It's okay. Continue your training, I'm just gonna buy you coffee. Don't stress yourself too much. I know you'll do great. You're already a winner to me." He says as he kiss my temple.

I don't deserve him.

***

I lost.

I feel numb. All of my sleepless nights and breakdowns were not worth it. I still did not win. I feel like I'm gonna throw up because of too much disappointment to myself.

I could've done better.

I should have trained harder.

I must have pushed myself—

"It's okay, love. You're still a winner to us! Tara, ice cream date na lang tayo. Cookies and cream? Or Coffee flavor?"  Jet interrupted my thoughts while smiling so brightly.

I look at him. The sun reflect on his eyes. Highlighting his most beautiful feature. And as I look at him, I saw the purest love that radiates in his eye. The kind of love that I couldn't reciprocate.

I love him — that's for sure but is it selfish if I love myself more?

"Pahinga muna."

He looks at me. Nalilito sa sinabi ko. "Saan, love? Ayaw mo ba gumala muna? Sige, hatid na lang kita kila tita. I know you want to be alone hehe." He forces a laugh.

"Hindi ka ba napapagod sa kakaintindi sa akin?" I look at him. Tinanggal ko na ang kamay kong nakahawak sa kanya.

"Why would I? Alam ko babawi ka naman sa'kin after nito. You promised, diba?" He smiles.

Gosh.

I hate that smile. I hate the way that he smiles to assure me. I hate that he keeps being optimistic. I hate how he always understands me. I hate that he doesn't take care of himself first. I hate the smile that he gives when he's clearly hurting inside.

"I'm sorry, Jet."

"Love nga. Kailan ba ako naging si 'Jet' kapag ikaw kasama? It's love, love." He smiles again.

I hate it.

"Tama na, Jet. Alam mong pagod ako." His smile falls.

"Sorry, love. Tara na, hatid na kita. You need to rest." He tries to get my hand again pero iniwas ko ito. Tinignan nya ako. And there.. I saw his true feelings. He's hurt. And it's because of me. I deserve his wrath. He should just let his anger out to me. I can take it.

'Wag na syang magpanggap na okay lang ang lahat.

"Jet. Alam kong napapansin mo na hindi na tayo katulad dati. Mas mabuti pang—"

"Ayoko." He immediately says. He clearly knows where this conversation is going.

"Jet naman."

"Love nga kasi." Nakita ko ang nangingilid nyang mga luha. Pinipilit nya na lamang na pigilan ito. Tumingala sya saka sinubukan ulit hawakan ang kamay ko pero iniwas ko ulit 'to.

"Tigil na, please? Para sa atin naman 'to eh."

"Para sa atin? Aji, kailangan kita sa buhay ko. Hindi ko kaya, love. 'Wag naman ganito. Kahit 3 days, love. Lalayo ako para makapagpahinga ka. 'Wag ganito, love. 'Wag ganito, please." His tears betrayed him. Nagsunod-sunod na ang agos ng mga pinipigilan nyang luha.

"Kaya kong mabuhay mag-isa, Jet." I firmly says.

"Hindi mo na ako kailangan? Ayaw mo na ba ako kasama?"

"Hindi kita kailangan, Jet." Natigilan sya at saka pinakatitigan ang mata ko. Doon ko na lubos na nakita ang lahat ng tinatago nyang sakit.

Lahat-lahat.

I continue. "Yes, I love you pero Jet, I chose to be with you kasi mahal kita, hindi dahil kailangan kita. Kaya ko ang sarili ko. Sana maintindihan mo 'yon."

"Lagi naman kitang iintindihin, Aji. Gano'n kita ka-mahal eh." Pinunasan nya ang kanyang mga luha pero hindi pa rin tumitigil ito. "Hindi ko lang maintindihan bakit kailangang maghiwalay. Sayo na lang ako kumukuha ng lakas ngayon eh."

"I need more time for myself. I don't need distractions ngayon." I look away. It hurts seeing him trying to stop his tears and trying to be strong in front of me.

"Distraction lang ako?"

And that three words hit me.

"No, Jet. Hindi ayon minimean ko."

"You literally just said that. 'Wag mo ng pagandahin yung words, Aji. Naiintindihan ko naman... iintindihin ko." He finally stops crying.

Naramdaman ko ang luhang nagbabadyang pumatak mula sa mata ko.

Akmang magsasalita na ulit ako upang magpaliwanag pero binuka nya muli ang kanyang bibig.

".... I'll give you what you wanted, Aji. Pero pwede bang last hug muna? Gift mo na lang sa'kin dahil sa nakalimutang anniversary." He forces a laugh. But I clearly saw the tear that escaped on his eye.

Pumatak na ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. Nasasaktan din ako.

If only I were stronger.

If only I could balance my studies and Jet.

If only I won the contest.

If only I am not disappointed to myself.

We could've worked out.

I also force a smile and gesture the sign of welcoming a hug. He immediately hugs me. "Sorry, Aji. Promise, hindi na ako magiging distraction in the future. Promise ko 'yan sayo. 'Wag mo kalimutan, ha?" Bakas sa nanginginig nyang boses ang kagustuhan na 'wag bumitaw sa relasyong 'to.

I nod even though he can't see it 'cause he's hugging me.

"I know you can do it without me, Jet." I tap his back. Indicating that I want to let go.

"I always knew that you can do it without me, Aji."

And that was his last words before we never saw each other again.