letting go

thoughts

Have you ever had a thought that your family will be better off without you?

Your siblings would be so much happier if you were gone?

Your parents won't feel burdened if you didn't existed?

Honestly, it was painful.

Having those types of killer thoughts.
The type of thoughts that could make you overthink every single decision you make, these thoughts could also make you stay up all night thinking what went wrong.

The thoughts that would eventually kill you.

They say don't be shy to ask questions or you'll be left behind.

Back then, when I was a kid, I love watching television. I always watch how psychiatrists would always find a way to help their patients. I could strongly say that I was invested to know more about this kind of stories.

As a result, I can't stop myself to ask why would people kill themselves. Why do they don't have the strength to encourage themselves to get back up. It's not even that hard controlling your freaking emotions.

Trust me, it was a bad idea. Never say things that could possibly offend others because one day it would come back to you.

You know. The saying " what goes around, comes around " by an anonymous.

Asking those stupid questions are like saying to a person who has an asthma, " why do you have asthma? There's so much air for you to breathe "

Back then even till now, I couldn't predict the future but I know there will be many obstacles that I shall go through eventually.

But little did I know that I wasn't even prepared. Not mentally or physically.

Growing up in a household where everyone expects you to know things by your own, have the best result in your first try and would punish you if you fail. I went through many of it. Trust me, I learnt so many things the hard way.

Being the firstborn daughter didn't make it any better.

So don't blame me for turning out like this. (Referred to the ones that know me in real life)

Everywhere I go, I carry the burden to fulfill my parents high expectations to do extremely well in school, be the best sister and not to forget to do great in every single thing I do on my first try.

Never a day went by without me asking myself, why do I need to get through this?
Why am I always the one suffering?Why nobody wants to reach out and help me?
Why do I feel like my feeling doesn't matter?
Why do I feel so useless?
Why am I like this?

Just like I said earlier. Killer thoughts.

Or people would say depression "symptoms". Haha

Sad to say, I had these kind of killer thoughts or should I say depression "symptoms" since I was 7.